(A Blog Every Day in May 2013 Challenge Entry)
Still
truckin’ along after finally getting two hours of sleep this morning.
Okay, make that four as I just woke up from a 2 hour on/off nap. Yes, I
only wrote one sentence before passing out. Rackin’ in those Zzz’s yo!
Let’s take a gander at today’s writing prompt:
Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of
Hmm...
well, I definitely am not afraid of losing sleep. However, I’m afraid
of passing out one of these times on my late night outings. I already
have the desire to sleep when in a car (like a leftover relaxation
effect from when I was an infant), and the lack of sleep really
solidifies my body’s attempt to make it happen.
What else...
Fraught with the Freaky Deaky
I
believe I share some of the standard fears many people have: Heights,
clowns (you know do too), bees/wasps, etc. I don’t necessarily fear
these things from afar, but close up is no good. Like spiders and bugs, I
can be pretty passive about — where some freak out just at the sight of
them — unless they are on me.
I
guess I’m afraid of June Bugs, though. Those suckers are creepy and
I’ve had a personal battle with one that almost left my newly purchased
laptop in ruins. I can already feel the fear welling up... June is
almost here...
Once
I used to love sharks, but after Jaws and many shark
shows/documentaries, that love turned to fear. So much so that I’m not
sure I’d feel comfortable going out in the ocean ever. I can look out
over the ocean from the safety of a beach or plane, but that’s close
enough.
There are many little things I’m afraid of, but I can’t think of any one
thing that is odd and bizarre that would be worth sharing. One of my
“heavy hitters” is one that most every individual faces at some point in
their life. Whether in their job/career, passions, family,
relationships — or any other multitude of fitting settings — it can rear
it’s ugly face.
“My Fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”
-Jack Kerouac
My
one greatest fear is that of failure. This fear plagues my life from
the simple mundane day to day tasks, to the unknown possibilities of the
future. This is a factor in my ever present anxiety over new
experiences. That whatever this new thing is, I will somehow fail at it.
Some examples of the day to day would be:
Trying a new gas station.
Are their pumps set up the same as the ones I’m accustomed to using? If
not, am I going to be standing outside at the pump looking like an
idiot?
Driving anywhere new.
Just afraid of getting lost and stranded somewhere, especially if low
on gas being the above fear has stopped me from refilling HA! This fear
is one of the easiest to override. Most fears associated with going
somewhere new involve the actual experience waiting for me at said
destination.
These type of things seem silly — even to me — but they are real.
Then there are the things I am afraid of failing at on a larger scale:
Failure of my passions.
This would involve my writing, first and foremost. That I won’t ever
get around to actually writing the stories in my head. They will remain
locked up, imprisoned and left to rot — to be forgotten — in the darkest
recess of my mind.
Associated
with this is the failure to accurately tell/share said stories. Will I
be able to articulate all the things I see in my imagination? Enough so
that others see what I do? I understand this isn’t always the reality
when it comes to writing. In fact, A lot of my writing — I think I’ve
found — leaves a lot of room for interpretation, so that the reader can
“fill-in-the-blank” with their own imagination. I find it to be an
important aspect; to not completely overly define/describe anything and
everything.
Then I fear I can’t describe things even on a simplistic level...
What
if I do get it all out? What if, by chance, I do become published and
my work is out there for the world to see? What if the world rejects it?
While I don’t want to write for money — though, to be paid for doing so
wouldn’t be brushed off — I do hope it reaches some sort of audience.
That there will be some that will be touched by my story.
This
directly conflicts with my struggle to accept that I’m writing for
myself. If nothing more than to just get out the overabundance of ideas
assaulting my creative vein. I can’t control who likes my writing,
subject manner, plot/story, or my odd, disjointed sense of
communication. But yet, I fear it. It may be irrational, as I’m
unfamiliar with any piece of work everyone simultaneous hates on a
unanimous level, but I do.
I
believe I’ve spoken about it before, but I seem to associate my getting
published with making people proud. That I’ve actually amounted to
something. I know, and tell myself on occasion, that friends and family
are proud of me regardless of my accomplishments. So, I suppose I
directly link it to my own self worth. That — to me — becoming published
will signify to myself that I am indeed not a failure. As mentioned,
though, I would then be attributing arbitrary factors (people liking my
work) to represent my success.
So
all of this tumbles around in my mind, day in and day out, as I try to
quell the fears enough to just get my foot in the door. Past that point,
rather, because it is
in the door. I consider the blogging and fiction pieces I have up
representation of that. But, this fear of failure is constantly
attempting to crush my foot in the door. Applying pressure at
exponential rates, to make quick work of me. Make an amputee of me,
before my nonchalant take on Diabetes does. They are involved in a
neck-to-neck race.
But Also
I have a deep-rooted fear of success.
OMN & FML
Do you happen to share any of the same fears as me? If so, which?
![A to Z 2017 [FLASH FICTION]: REFLECTIONS](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/551a2e0ee4b0bf065e1b3b3f/1494776923372-FIAN9DV6OKANFI5Q72ZD/atoz2017banner.png)
![A to Z 2017 [MAGIC MIXER]: REFLECTIONS](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/551a2e0ee4b0bf065e1b3b3f/1494782030429-FMJQLUEJJK850772LG6Q/atoz2017banner.png)
It’s been a long while. I briefly discuss some of this year’s shortcomings, and in doing so, find it’s just more of the same.
Then I attempt to give a more positive spin…
Extra Life Game Day 2021 has arrived! It’s Year 8 for myself and I am looking forward to once again raise money for Gillette Children’s Specialty Healthcare. Team Cryton Crusaders is ready (kind of) for the annual fundraising event involving a 24-Hour Gaming Marathon! I kept last year’s fun, but likely impossible Milestone to reach!
Learn more about the challenge where my team and I play games and heal kids!