It wasn't but a day or two ago when I received a notification, out of the blue, inviting me to a fancy party. A celebration of sorts. One honoring the birth of a little number I like to call Samara. Everyone likes to call her Samara. She likes to be called Samara. So for the time being, how about we address this tall drink of water as Samara. Sound good? Good. She can be found speaking over at A Buick in the Land of Lexus. I highly recommend checking out her work!
Full Disclosure: I have no idea how the fuck tall this Samara character is.
Back to the topic of the party. Celebration. Shindig, if you will. I was delighted to be invited, though I couldn't help but register just how close the host, the lovely Lizzi of Considerings, was to kicking off such an exquisite tribute lacking one of the most important, fundamental components needed: Me! Everyone knows if you want a little Creep and Perversion in your entertainment you come to me! Spared no expense!
I mean, I'm CLEARLY the guy you want at your parties! I even have a Party Tie!
Admittedly, what one would have perceived as a tragic injustice, another may believe to be an act of saving grace. It's too late to go back now, however... It is what it is.
So what's all the hubdrub? It's Samara's birthday, and Lizzi came up with a special, fun way for people to celebrate it by participating in a mixed-tape blogging hop! Participants pick a song (or two or five) that reminds them of the Birthday Girl, explain why the song(s) does so, and/or simply write a little blurb about her.
I knew what my song would be straight away. This other chatter, before getting to the actual song, is winging it. To fully understand my selection, it may be necessary to temporarily delve into the inner workings of our... relationship... and how exactly Lizzi plays a role...
Since the Dawn of Time, or from about when we both registered Samara on our radars, Lizzi and I have been engaged in a not so secret battle of building the ultimate shrine to Samara, the winner of which naturally winning her over. Her Heart. Her Body. Her Soul. Her Naughty Bits.
Intense, I know!
It's been quiet on the shrine front for some time now. I attributed it to Lizzi's current real life adjustments. She is one busy, but tough cookie. What I didn't realize was just how deeply she was plotting to win Samara over. I came to find she was breaking one of the unspoken rules of the ritual: no visiting the subject! Say what?! Penalty flag on the field! What is this Madness?!
Oh, I see what you're doing...
The late invite to the shindig was intentional! Keeping me away from the "prize"... Dare I say, feeling threatened that during these past few months my shrine has evolved by leaps and bounds! But no, it was all a ruse. A trap! You were already ten steps, and a plane ticket, ahead of me. I never saw it coming. I can't compete with face to face interaction! Now you can flaunt it in my face, and laugh all the way to the "Bank". We all know what the "Bank" really is! Don't we? DON'T WE?!
An Ode Encore
Well, be it as it may, I'm not giving up yet... Earlier I mentioned Samara's Naughty Bits, the most sacred of all her parts won once shrines were compared and a victor selected.
Dear readers, audience bearing witness to my sorrow-laden words, you must understand just how coveted Samara's Naughty Bits are. They have sparked challenges and duels and threats among men and women. People are willing to die for these sweet, tiny (and not so tiny...), delectable, precious morsels of wonderment that adorn this woman's body!
I present to you one of the many ballads detailing these very instances:
An Ode to the Battle of Samara’s Naughty Bits
I’d like to take the time to share the beauty of my shrine
Nothing else could make this night feel any more divine
But a battle rages on for the rights to Samara’s naughty bits
Which undoubtedly includes her sweet box, trunk, and most likely her tits
Eric seems a dandy fellow, struggling with constant bated breath
It happens so much it makes one wonder has he ever touched a breast?
I could be wrong, I could be right, it’s not for me to say
but his lack of womanly experiences could make one believe that he were g...
Richard claims to be the master of every whole and every orifice
But his age makes travel anywhere take the speed of a large tortoise
And while his words sound sweet as roses, that tricky Old Man Rumple
He’ll just drop a deuce on your chest, he’s just so cleverly subtle
Oh my dear friend Lizzi, truly the sweetest of the bunch
A fine balance of tease and play with no end game donkey punch
If I had to chose which couple I’d view that certainly would hold sway
Two lovely ladies entwined is what I’d vote for any given day
I’d love to say once you go Jak there is no going back
But I’ve learned enough to know that Samara’s naughty bits are just like crack
All for one and one for all, even if we could get on the same track
It wouldn’t be enough to handle her and that’s just simply fact
But I digress... I did say I would love to see the two of them entwined. There may be room to strike a peace bargain yet, as long as I receive photographs and video evidence... LOTS of it...
The Best Naughty Bits
WARNING: This is where things begin to dip into the NSFW realm. So proceed accordingly!
It's really hard to say which Naughty Bits are the most sought after, but I believe there is more than enough evidence pointing to which Samara believes are among her top. Literally? On more than one occasion I've come across claims of the Birthday Girl sharing these beloved attributes:
Before you get all up in arms, trust me, I'm more of a tummy and ass kind of guy, so I assure you, this is just an observation... ;-) Literally?!
For example, she offers us Boobies to Rock to:
And Boobies to MARVEL at:
There's been rumors (of her own volition) that she has shared even more tantalizing displays of these specific Naughty Bits with friends she has made over time. Scandalous! Much to my dismay, I was not one of them...
But let it be known, if I were, I wouldn't allow them into the hands of my (currently non-existent) 4-year-old daughter! Imagine who else they've just spammed your Chimichangas too. Who needs to worry about phone hacking when you have "friends" like that, amiright?! Those babies need to be cherished and respected!
Though... I may share them with the Ladyfolk... RAR!
Samara has even been so kind as to share her favorite toy collection:
Holy smokes! She gets pretty splooshy over The Hulk! He'd be great for Angry Sex, don't get me wrong, it has its time and place. However, imagine what Mr. Fantastic could do on the daily! I bet he would put most of these tryhards to shame!
Wait, where was I going with all of this...
A One Way Street
Oh right, the shrines and my ever devoted goal of winning over Samara. Many would say it's been nothing more than another one way street. My professing and collection of love I've stowed away in a hidden room of my basement, a carved out haven where my altar rests, shackles awaiting their betrothed trophy, all for naught... It's not reciprocated. She has just been teasing and playing coy. A folly friends and family have seen me fall victim to time and again...
But they just can't see... None of them can. All of the hidden, secret hints of desire for me in every word and every image sweet, sweet Samara shares. It's only a matter of time before she comes to her senses and realizes that I am the only one who will truly love, not only her Naughty Bits, but all of her! Even if she becomes distracted with Lizzi, I will find a way to win her back. Steal her away. My precious! Muahahahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
One way or another...
On to the Song Choice!
If it hasn't been made abundantly obvious as to why the song above was selected, I've nothing more to offer you.
I am Relieved. I can continue to harness my obsession from the shadows unimpeded!
And if some of you feel this in some way betrays my Love for the beautiful Ladyfolk and/or the lovely, mostly innocent Dyanne and her oft too secured Bobby Brooks, you'd be mistaken. One desire does not preclude another. They all enhance one another. These, along with all of the others...
dun Dun DUN!
Take Off Your Pants and Put On Your Birthday Suit!
For really reals, though, Samara is an amazing, courageous, beautiful soul. A Light I hope continues to shine for many more years to come. She is a Rockstar in her own right and don't you ever forget it! I'm lucky to have had the limited interactions I've shared with her and I look forward to many more.
Enjoy the rest of Mixed-Tape Birthday Bash, Samara! Hope you have a great celebration and get the chance to put your birthday suit to good use! This does not include pictures of your ta-tas sent to those who would just willy-nilly have them open to display for their children and all the world to see!
And also, Samara, it's okay to embrace your burning desire for me and my Party Tie... just saying...
Someday, I'm going to get ya.
Whether you like it or not, ready or not...