For
a moment there, I was thinking I was about to slip away from this
resurgence of writing that I’ve recently acquired. Re-acquired. This
would be a shame. I’ve so many things I wish to discuss! So many more
random tangents to go on. So much more... rambling.
The
last week and a half has been a bit of an inner struggle. A variety of
opposing emotions tugging and pulling me in different directions;
fighting for dominance over which will ultimately dictate the path I
will take.
While
things have seem to have steadied out, and calmed–the forces of “good”
coming out on top–I can still feel it bubbling inside. The negativity
and urges to allow myself to relapse into a state of being from
yesteryear. Relapse back into a state I’ve worked so hard to avoid;
worked so hard to transcend.
- Walking Contradiction -
One
fear I have, in the time I spend attempting to reach a goal of mine–to
help simultaneously express myself and allow myself (and possibly
others) to learn who I am as it is constantly a work in progress–that I
will lose sight of the beliefs I explain/express. That I will do what
almost happened this past week and relapse into my old self, old habits,
and in turn self-sabotage my own progress.
I
understand that relapsing is sometimes part of the process, but I feel
with certain aspects of my life, where it is currently at, that a
relapse would be too damaging. There is also the underlying worry of
feeling like a hypocrite. A contradiction. I go into length about my
beliefs dealing with connections and relationships; Love and Fear. I would hate
to think any of my previous expressions being compromised by future
actions, or the reverse.
What
I come away with, though, is the constant desire to just be blunt,
honest, and upfront (is that redundant?). What I would like to think as
authentic. I am human, I am far from perfect, and I will have struggles
like everyone else on their journeys. I will have setbacks, and how I
handle those obstacles is what will determine where my path leads.
If
others decide that something I say or do, comprises whatever
“message(s)” that I attempt to get out into the world, then so be it. I
can’t control that aspect. Also, the remembrance that this all is,
ultimately, for me. To be honest, that point blurs a lot of the time and I
figure it will all follow a natural, organic progression as it should.
Because, while I wish to write solely for myself, I can’t deny the fact
that I hope, in some way, it will touch another. Even if just one
other soul out there swimming in the lifestream. Perhaps it’s already
happened.
- Inadequate Me -
Over
the past few months, I have made a lot of new friends both online and
off. A majority were met from a handful of write-ins during a writing
event (program?) called NaNoWriMo. I’ve mentioned it before, and during
this period of time in November I not only made myself get out of my
comfort zone by attending the NaNoWriMo events, but began writing again.
During this course I eventually came to meet a wide variety of people
and, like what usually happens, I settled in with a group.
It
helped, originally, having a mutual friend associated with some within
this group. This friend was the one who kept encouraging (or
threatening...) me to participate. It is very possible that without that
nudging (or again.. violent assaulting), I would have never joined and
given it a shot. I appreciate her commitment and owe her a ton of
thanks! Just don’t tell her that (she will get a big head... and then
walking down halls will be an issue... going through doorways a huge
pain... etc. etc.)
During
NaNoWriMo, I had some insecurities abound dealing with my writing (of
course) having been so long, and completely out of practice. Those
insecurities I could manage decently. What happened, though, was as I
began to grow closer to the individuals of this group I began to think
of them as potential new friends. With NaNoWriMo, a lot of times people
get together through Nov to encourage one another with their writing,
but once December comes they kind of drift apart. This was a factor I
wasn’t completely willing to accept. In fact, I felt it could be fairly
damaging to suddenly lose said support and companionship so soon.
This is where PSEUDO WARS originated from. Those fears, questions and inability to accept the possible inevitable. As luck would have it, the majority of the group decided on continual interaction beyond NaNoWriMo.
Time
went on. Bonds and connections increased, and from among them a
Wildcard. Something unexpected for me, which complicated things, but in a
very good way.
Somewhere
deep inside, though, that brewing of doubt. The more time I spent
with my new friends, the more I felt completely inadequate. Feeling like
I brought absolutely nothing to the table. Many of them are vastly more
educated and are incredibly more comfortable in their own skin than I,
and have little issue in becoming engaged in conversation.
I
am more prone to just sit and observe. I feel like I'm the guy that
says something stupid (like a catchphrase or two) randomly and maybe gets
a few laughs, but then it's back to observation mode. Beyond that, I
don’t feel like I offer much. Don’t get me wrong, I value humor and
believe it is important, but the caliber of knowledge I seem to lack is
frustrating.
Yet,
they seemed to want me around and valued my company; something, I
myself, seemed to have an issue with. I couldn’t (can’t) accept it, I
didn’t (don’t) feel worthy. This is naturally a self love/confidence
issue and I’ve mentioned the process I am undergoing to improve it.
A
week and a half ago, though, it all seemed to come to a head. Finally
the negativity was let loose and free to take control, albeit
momentarily; thankfully momentarily. Those who are familiar with what I
am talking about know that a moment is all that is needed. All that is
needed for these emotions, left uncheck, to completely turn your world
upside down.
I
wanted to shut myself out from the world completely. Cancel all social
interactions, online social interactions, everything. This would have
been reminiscent of what I did six years ago (going on seven) when I
moved and told no one, but immediate family, of my whereabouts, or how to
contact me. All of my friends were cut off. Some found me thanks to
family leaking information–Bastards–so, I was forced to confront them
and tell them I would seek them out when ready, if ever.
Years
went by, and various steps taken in spiritual endeavors, before I felt
ready to reconnect with them. This is where the I believe bonds of time
made this scenario even possible. Some could have told me to fuck off,
they had every right to, but no one did.
With
this new group of people, though, I felt that wouldn’t be the case. The
bonds/connections too new, and time too short. If they were to be cut
off, that would likely be the end of our roles in one anothers lives.
This
is where I felt like a contradictory hypocrite, after talking about
making connections and wanting to take the time to build/strengthen
them. Now, I didn’t not
want that. I wanted that very much. I just felt completely unworthy.
Easier to save them the trouble of having to unload me, and I could
avoid facing the rejection.
It
is an odd feeling when you are going through the motions of
disconnecting from everyone and self-sabotaging yourself, yet still
being fully aware of what you are doing. Being aware of it and knowing
you don’t want to go down that path. It is like you aren’t completely in
control. There is that part constantly pushing you to take the steps it
feels is necessary to protect itself.
Being
aware, and reaching out to someone I felt would understand, is what
helped the most. That and a lot of sleep. In the end, I was able to curb
that primal desire of seclusion that reared itself, once again,
unbeknown to most of the group. Most anyone, really. As the week
progressed I felt it bubbling (as I still can even now), wanting to
break free again. Waiting for a moment I am weak where it can dominate my
course of action. To make itself safe from fear of rejection. Fear of
life, fear of love.
Thankfully,
that’s not what I truly want. It is that factor, along with awareness
and support, that will sooth the negative stirrings within. Until I can
completely dispatch them, that is.
- This Bridge Will Only Take You There, -
In
2006 I moved into my current apartment, accepting a job as a Resident Manager. As most apartments are, when you first move into
them, it was empty. This was in exception to some odd bagged things I
was told was associated with the railroad (which was where the previous
tenant had worked) and some magnets I found in the cupboard.
There
were seven of them–my favorite (unfortunately, not lucky) number–each
displaying their own word. The “There” had a comma, which I thought
was interesting. That sentence was what I made, and has remained on my
fridge ever since. I was a bit taken aback, because the sentence itself
seemed to sum up my belief about fate.
“Fate
will only bring you up to a point, and then you have to make your
choice.” I would say many times, when explaining my beliefs.
Suddenly,
here was this random set of magnets summing that up for me. It was
like... wait for it... fate. How could I not go there, seriously?
The belief is simply this:
That
in life, you will continually be presented with a multitude of moments;
important moments. These moments of fate, are not necessarily
predetermined, but are part of our life makeup. A lot of these moments
are what we are specifically asking for, or need, to learn and progress.
Fate
will only bring you up to a point, and then you have to make your
choice. (*Sigh* see?) Now, life is basically all about choices. Broken
down, I believe they are fundamentally choices of Love or Fear. My
reactions I described above, revolved solely around Fear.
What
I have come to find, though, is that once crossing the bridge to the
moment of making your choice, is that there are millions of paths you may
take. Both equally in Love and Fear. Some of these paths eventually
bring you to a new bridge, while some bring you full circle back to the
same. Once crossing it again, you make another choice; the hope
being that you’ve learned from the last path you’ve taken and eventually have
overcome fear and negativity. Otherwise, you will find yourself
crossing the same bridge over and over, until doing so.
I
don’t think I can fully explain it, but in my head I see it as though
having a similar (but more intricate) pattern to the Flower of Life:
The are an infinite number of the these points–these bridges–for us to continually cross to learn and grow.
I
thought I had left this current bridge far behind in my spiritual
dust, but it seems I had been mistaken. I feel I have learned from the
previous path, and felt I made a much stronger, wiser decision, and I
can only hope I don’t find myself crossing it again.
As it were, though, only time will tell.
*Flower of Life image is from world-mysteries.com
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It’s been a long while. I briefly discuss some of this year’s shortcomings, and in doing so, find it’s just more of the same.
Then I attempt to give a more positive spin…
Extra Life Game Day 2021 has arrived! It’s Year 8 for myself and I am looking forward to once again raise money for Gillette Children’s Specialty Healthcare. Team Cryton Crusaders is ready (kind of) for the annual fundraising event involving a 24-Hour Gaming Marathon! I kept last year’s fun, but likely impossible Milestone to reach!
Learn more about the challenge where my team and I play games and heal kids!