SAYING GOODBYE


*Static*

Hello…? Is there anybody out there…?

*Slaps laptop… static continues*

Testing… 1… 2… 5…

*The static fades some, but there still remains frequent moments of clarity failure when it resumes its fevered pitch*


NOTE: I started writing this post in Dec 2013. It was meant to be written well before that, and has since undergone many changes in its development. Originally it was meant as a misleading, emotional post where I pretended to be seemingly fed up with blogging and saying my final goodbyes, but then I merely say goodbye to my hair (which I had just gotten cut at the time) and an old belt that broke (and eventually due to timing, my car). There was then a rough patch where I thought it would possibly represent the departure from a relationship. Eventually I did stop blogging, and cut myself off from a handful of relationships, so the tone went from playful to very personally emotional.

I had planned for this to be my final post for The Cryton Chronicles — in its current form — and in a way it may retain that denotation. At least in terms of personal blog posts. I plan to continue posting trailers and participate in blog hops, in the meantime. I will highlight where I picked this entry back up to complete it with a *** marking.

It’s been well over a month since I’ve last written anything. The day before Thanksgiving 2013, to be precise, though technically I was still working on my NaNo pieces around that time too. NaNoWriMo 2013 was a failure overall in my mind. Sure, people may say that since I actually wrote 15k words (or possibly 20k since I stopped updating towards the end) it was a success. In that, they wouldn’t be wrong. The writing of any words, especially in my case, is an achievement one shouldn’t scoff at. Though the more pretentious, holier-than-thou types may.

Fuck ‘em. Pricks.

It isn’t so much the word count (and definitely not the reaching of the 50k word count goal) that registers this past NaNo as a failure with me. More so, the breakdown of the original NaNo group, consisting of members I met in 2012 — which greatly helped in the encouragement of writing during the challenge. The odds are, had I not met all of those individuals and created friendships with them (which waxed and waned over the past year), I wouldn’t have come close to reaching my goal. Perhaps I would have skipped NaNo altogether, as I had in the years past.

I may have never began blogging or dabbling again in fiction writing, resulting in a block being allowed to continue it’s twelve year reign of terror, frustration, and depression. Despair. It’s hard to explain the feelings derived from undergoing an experience like writer’s block — an experience many claim is mythical and impossible. It wasn’t (isn’t) make-believe to me.

But NaNo 2012 did happen, said people were met and became loosely connected to my life from that day forward. I did reach 50k words. I did begin blogging. So far that burning urge to continually put words to page still exists, even if I haven’t written at a capacity I had planned for the past eight months. Chances Hopes are that it never completely fades, but to it hadn’t during the twelve year block, so it stands to reason it wouldn’t now.

Coming out of NaNo 2012 I felt more vibrant and empowered, a bit more confident in my writing, regardless of how wretched I thought my 50k were. The first few months into the new year were full of various meet ups and gatherings (some writing based, others not), which was a desire expressed by many of the NaNo group.

Then time passed, and as it passed, so too did the honeymoon phase. It may have been felt more on my end. As is natural in most social circles, couples inevitably drift and bond closer to other couples, while singles are left, more or less, out of the loop. Then couples get married and/or have children, bringing them even closer to those couples in similar life stages. Being a single male and all, I felt I identified less and less with others in the group. Feeling as though I had no real place among them, being inched out little by little. Whether real or imagined, it seemed the path taken and choices made by a handful of those within the group solidified that feeling.

Anyways, I feel myself getting off track, as I’m so oft to do…

***

NaNoWriMo 2013 was different. There were hardly any gatherings, and the majority that were made were canceled. There wasn’t much encouragement among friends. Sure, I could have attended write-ins and met an entirely new group of people, maybe creating similar friendships as I did back in 2012, but that’s not what I wanted. If I were to meet new friends, it would be while spending quality time with my original writing group.

No dice.

Needless to say, by the end of NaNo 2013 I felt pretty much on my own. This lead me to follow through the process of making that my reality.

It can be really hard to differentiate intuitive feelings from worries and fears stemming from assumptions rooted in insecurities. Sometimes incredibly hard, and I’ve expressed some of my close calls in the past — of disconnecting from loved ones and the world at large — when I wrote more frequently about my personal experiences; when I wasn’t strictly posting trailers or for blog hops.

But I felt I was following my intuition and went through the process of disconnecting from almost the entire NaNo 2012 group, deleting over half of my Facebook contacts (though, oddly I left everyone on my GChat. To be fair, I rarely use it), and deciding to take a hiatus from blogging. Slowly some people have resurfaced in my life, but it’s been on a case by case basis.

During my hiatus, I focused my time elsewhere, but if I had to be honest, never budgeting it optimally. Time management is an area I lack in, unfortunately.

I eventually found my way back to blogging via the A to Z Challenge this year, as some of you know, but already find myself behind as usual; a factor contributing to my hiatus. While I may be back for the blog hops, I feel my time here will be brief. This doesn’t necessarily mean I will be done with blogging and/or writing, but that it may not be done here. Time will tell, but I will likely give more information about this departure at the appropriate moment; when more certain of my plans.

So, this is essentially my “goodbye” post. To my hair, belt, my car, friends — old and new (online and irl) — but thankfully not my current relationship. Though, admittedly, as readers begin to connect who is who, feeling I have the freedom to discuss various aspects of my relationship(s), whether positive or negative, becomes much narrower.

In case it’s never been said enough, I just want to thank each and every one of you that has ever taken the time to stop by and read my ramblings here at The Cryton Chronicles! You all are awesome, and if I happen to make an attempt at pastures that may not exactly be greener, but newer, I will be sure to let you know.

I pinky swear.

I will end this entry with a brief poem I wrote during NaNo 2013:

Remember, remember
The 9th of November
Thinking themselves sly
They cast forth that fateful die

Regardless of thoughts or deliberation
Soon the time will be at hand
For all to bear witness in anticipation
Exactly how that die shall land



Have you ever had moments where you wanted to completely disconnect from the people in your life and/or the world? If so, have you ever stopped yourself from following through with it? How? How did you re-associate with those you disconnected from, if at all? Have you ever wanted to move somewhere and attempt to completely restart your life? Have you ever transitioned to a new blog or website host? If so, what were/have been the pros and cons?