A to Z 2016 : PARADIGM

When losing the love of my life, having him stolen from me, I felt there wasn't anything more to live for. This wasn't fueled by the flawed belief that I needed a man in my life, anyone for that matter, to make me feel whole. To complete me. But when having love, genuine love, suddenly ripped away from you with no rhyme or reason, it leaves an immediate gaping void. You can feel it, the nothing.

It was instantaneous for me. The very moment I realized he was gone, the universe cored my soul, leaving me broken and empty. Alone.

Except not fully. There was something in the center of the darkness. A spark. Or maybe a vacuum, demanding to be fed. An insatiable hunger that could only be momentarily subsided, if you filled it enough, to slow the constant need.

It suckled my emotions, and in doing so, there was a trade off. I was offered power, raw and unadulterated. A perverted, internal fueling engine that had no off switch. Always on, always ready. Upon its creation, I gave to it all I had to give. All of the hatred that was coursing through my veins, a toxic sieve opening up. I relinquished control.

Some say life is just a series of choices and that these choices ultimately define who we are as an individual. Good. Evil. I'm not sure I've ever subscribed to such a black and white belief system. There exists an in-between. A persistent ebb and flow between what society, and the powers that be, deemed right and wrong.

But for every choice, every action, is a reaction. A consequence.

I can't lie to myself. I refuse to pretend that many of my choices didn't result in blood being shed, lives lost. Lives I may have felt the world was better without. Some I'm not so sure. When giving into the rage, I was barely in control, if at all. I didn't care to have any control. I wanted to become fully consumed, free. I wanted it all to end in one magnificent flurry of uncontrolled indulgence.

But it didn't end. My life, nor the hunger. And there's no rewinding the path you've taken. I have to live with the consequences of my actions. I have to regain control of myself. Control whatever this new power churning inside of me is. Create a more unified relationship. Make it understand that it's not the only living, breathing entity developing within. And to protect the new is to protect itself. It was time to rethink how we executed our life decisions.

I could almost hear a reply. There could be no promise to myself that the body count had come to an end. Instinctual survival will always supersede. And we were in agreement — survival of new life was paramount.

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