I
originally had an important post lined up to be released today; it is a
special day. I decided, however, to go a slightly different route. A
route that may result in some backlash, ridicule, and loss of
friendship. If lucky, it will result in the opposite as well. This still
is an incredibly important entry to me; just of a different nature.
As
it were, I began this journey to open up about myself, and offer a
glimpse of what makes me tick. There are some murky waters, but also
some beautiful panoramic landscapes. I thought to myself: If I am going
to do this, I have to dig deeper. I feel I have done that, to an extent,
with my “Into the Grey” posts. It can be uncomfortable to admit those
secret, questionable desires.
It wasn’t deep enough, though. I had to keep digging. If doing this, I have to do it right.
So
I am about to share some things about myself that very few know. I
could count them on one hand; I want to say three, but a fourth may have
squeezed in there at some point. Vulnerabilities scare the shit out of
me, but vulnerable becomes you when you open up. I have been assured I
am not crazy, but I still think some of the following builds a strong
case for an argument.
So
I am going to keep digging. By the time I am done, I may be too deep to
get out on my own. Some will have begun to shovel the dirt back over
me, while some will offer their hand. One way or another, I will
eventually get out.
Somehow I always come back.
“I will tell you God’s truth. God’s truth about me.”
I
have no real way of accurately explaining what I am about to divulge.
What I will be doing is discussing various topics that are true to me.
In the sense that there is no “right” or “wrong” and no questioning of
myself. These are simply the feelings and/or understandings of what just
is.
No different than knowing I am human and am alive. It is just an
awareness I have. A few of these I feel transcend myself; that they
apply to everyone.
I will begin with those and then move on to the more individual beliefs.
“Man
can no longer live for himself alone. We must realize that all life is
valuable and that we are united to all life. From this knowledge comes
our spiritual relationship with the universe.”
-Albert Schwweitzer
I
believe in love and the interconnectedness of all; us, the world, the
universe. Everything we do affects others on some level. Sometimes it is
major, others barely noticeable. Actions can be fueled by positive
(Love) or negative (Fear) intentions; much like thoughts, which I also
believe affect those around us.
One
of the hardest things for me to do has been, and still is, to control
my output of negative thoughts. Most of mine involve myself; that lack
of self-love. There have been plenty of times, though, where the
thoughts are of others.
I
am unsure how many of you have tried controlling those thoughts, but I
find it to be a bitch. It is so impulsive and reactive; almost instant.
Try catching yourself when you do it, and try retracting it. It is one
of the things I am currently engaged on changing about myself.
I
wish that more people understood we are all connected. Harming another
harms ourselves. I think the sooner people begin to realize and accept this, the sooner we
will all get along more peacefully.
While
I’ve always had this belief about being connected, the acceptance about
love has been more recent. Without going into too much detail, there
was a time I didn’t believe in love. This is no longer the case and it
integrates with connectedness.
I am Love
I
am Love. You are Love. We are Love. God is Love. Love and Light I feel
are interchangeable. Love is the essence connecting everyone and
everything. In my writing, I call it The Essence. That unseen substance
flowing and connecting everything in the universe. It is no different, I
imagine, than The Force of Star Wars.
This
is how I view Love. That power existing everywhere in the universe, in
everyone, linking us all. I believe it is one of the hardest things for
someone to accept - that you are love - and still is for me, from time to time. It exists in all of us, but sometimes it is drowned out. We don’t
embrace it. Regardless of who you are, there exists Love. It is always
there, even if just a pinprick. It glows there at our core, waiting to
be accepted and grasped.
I
am not religious, and one of my issues with religion is the seemingly
teachings of God and ourselves as separate. He is Love and he is in each
and every single one of us. You don’t have to go to church (though, I
fully feel those types of social systems have their place - and can be
very positive) to speak to God. You can, and do sometimes without
knowing, at any given moment. He is talking to you too. Can you hear
him? Still your mind and believe in the power within yourself.
God/Light/Love,
as I said, I believe are interchangeable. This is the belief that has
rang true to me. Resonates from within. There is no fear there. There
should never be the fear of God/Light/Love. Ever.
Some
have requested I go into detail about my spiritual journeys and so I
will do specifically that, in a blog entry dedicated to that sole
purpose. It may not be as exciting as they wish to think.
This
gives you some understanding of my belief on God/Love. It is one some
may resist or rebuke. That is okay, I don’t judge them. To each their
own.
We are Love; the “good” and the “bad.” Everyone. There are no ifs, ands, or buts. Only what is and our awareness/acceptance of it.
Things That Just Are
Still with me?
So now a simpler list of things that I feel I just know and am aware of. One of those, has already taken place; albeit I thought it would be literal instead of metaphysical.
1. I am going to die at the age of 32 (or one of, I believe, 2 other ages):
Well,
I am now officially 33 (Happy Birthday to me!), but I won’t count it
completely until clocking over into Tuesday. I lived! Survived what? The
Apocalypse? Seems we all survived that, and it was pretty
anticlimactic.
I
do, however, feel I died in a different sense. I broke free of a cycle I
was stuck in, and have been given a creative rebirth. It has been a
very positive and healthy transition. Perhaps there are two more of
these “deaths” waiting for me down the road. I can only hope so. This
isn’t to say I won’t have my challenges with this change. I most
certainly do, but they are all for my own growth both spiritually and
physically.
2. I have to be prepared to run:
I
have to be completely honest, I have yet to uncover the meaning behind
this. I took it, much like the first, to be literal. There is the chance
that it could also have a more psychological and metaphysical meaning.
It feels important, though, like there is possibly a dangerous element
involved. I had associated this with the ages listed above and my death.
The
reasons I am uncertain it is non-literal is because ever since I was a
child, regardless of my size, I’ve always been a decent runner; I always
loved to run (and bike). I would receive comments about it from
students and teachers alike. Where I am at now, I doubt I could run away
from a steamroller.
Which brings us to...
3. I am not prepared:
Again,
I just naturally interlocked this in with the running and possible
impending doom. It always seemed known that whatever was coming, there
may be a way to escape, at least for a period of time. Overshadowing
that was the knowledge that I was not prepared for whatever it was. I
was squandering my time.
I
worry this may be linked to my health in general. With my diabetic
scare back in 2007, and the falling off of my newfound healthier
lifestyle, I fear there may be a chance for relapse. Not a chance so
much as an already ticking time bomb. One thats final time of detonation
remains hidden from me.
The Best is Yet to Come
Now,
these next two are the ones that give me the strongest hesitation. I
personally feel they make me out as being completely crazy. Maybe I am?
dun Dun DUN! Anything is possible. So let me think... anything to note
before jumping in...
One
thing would be to, again, explain how I a non-religious. Never believed
in God; still don’t in the traditional, religious sense. For the
longest time I would consider myself to be Atheist, and then Agnostic.
Now I would say Spiritual.
This hole is already pretty deep, perhaps I should just take a break.
*Sigh*
Dig. Keep digging.
Delusions of Grandeur?
4. The belief that I am meant for something:
One of the two most persistent beliefs or awarenesses of what is.
Not just something, but something important.
More
disturbingly, the knowledge existed that this could be with either
positive or negative intentions. It would take some time trying to
unravel and share with you the inner struggles of Good Vs Evil within
myself. Rest assured, the “Good” won out... I think. Wouldn’t that be
what an “Evil” person said, though, just to fool you?
Anyhow,
this has been a feeling that has existed within me since a teenager. I
can’t recall an exact age; just a general timeframe.
At
one point in time, I thought it revolved around my writing. It has
always been a goal to positively affect people with it. Even if it was
just one person. Hell, even if it was myself. That is the most important
goal to any writing I partake in. I suppose even my blogging would
apply, though I know my focus was always on novel writing.
I’ve
no real idea as to what this “importance” involves, nor on what scale.
Just going by what I know of myself, I would assume it associated with
helping people.
Mind you, I am just attempting to explain what I feel inside. What I know.
I’ve
always disliked this feeling, because of the whole Delusions of
Grandeur aspect. How am I supposed to be somehow important with anything
profound. This irks me doubly given my constant underachieving habits.
Despite my feelings of being unbefitting of such a thing, it is what it
is. It is what I feel like I know to be true.
So
if this is dangerous, watch out. It has always concerned me. To the
point I would even google search for others with the same feelings. I
did happen to encounter some groups/communities of people expressing
similar thoughts/feelings/awareness, but I never engaged them. I studied
from afar.
Researching
this issue at least unearthed some results. The same couldn’t be said
for my most troubling of awarenesses. The cream of the crop...
The Path of the Spiritual Warrior
5. I am a “Warrior of God”:
So yeah...
Not
sure how to even explain this one. This is one I struggled and fought
with for a long time. Where it came from, I’ve no idea. I remember just
sitting there, minding my own business, and it ninja-kicked me in the
mind.
What a dick.
You
have to understand, for the longest time I didn’t believe in Love. I
mean... I understood the formulaic nature it existed between family and
such. As for feeling I could ever love someone else? No. I definitely
didn’t believe in God. Don’t, again, in the traditional sense.
So
when this kept persistently assaulting my mind over a long period of
time, I became concerned. Who wouldn’t? Well, maybe some would just
embrace it all “Fuck yeah!” style, but I assure you that wasn’t my take.
My take was like... “What the fuck is going on? I don’t even believe in God.”
I
tried looked it up; if others had the same persistent feeling. Nothing.
Wait, there was one dude that was a musician and began to play
Christian music in church and such. That was the only instance I had
found. That was some 5 years ago, though.
I
will be honest, I haven’t even bothered to look it up again, and don’t
plan to. Over the course of time, and my spiritual growth, I began
accepting it. In a spiritual sense. A Spiritual Warrior. Now, what
exactly does that mean? I’ve still only a very small semblance of
understanding.
“The
Spiritual Warrior is a person who challenges the dreams of fear, lies,
false beliefs, and judgments that create suffering and unhappiness in
his or her life. It is a war that takes place in the heart and mind of a
man or woman. The quest of the Spiritual Warrior is the same as
spiritual seekers around the world. The Spiritual Warrior faces this
challenge with the clarity and awareness that this war is fought within
himself and that Truth and unconditional love are on the other side of
these battles.” -Toltec Spirit
As
time went on I was distracted by a multitude of various materialistic
things that mattered very little. So naturally part of me wonders how
much this may intertwine into being unprepared.
Even
with being distracted, though, I have changed and developed spiritually
over the last few years. I feel that it is a self-reflective journey.
One that, in some way, I can maybe share with others. I love the
discussions of various beliefs, but how do you do so when a lot of yours
are not yet fully defined?
What is defined? What I mentioned about Love and Connection. There is no wavering there. They simply are.
Dig a Hole, Fill it Up
So where does this leave me exactly? I’ve no idea. Not a fucken clue. All I know is I dug this hole.. and...
Hey! What the shit... Who started throwing dirt back down on me? I bet I know... (the “fucken” gave it away).
Seriously,
though. These are just some of the things that I believe I know about
myself, and the world around me. One can likely understand why I never
talk about them. I feel like a whacked out freak job.
And... now it is all out there for the world to see! Fancy that. Yeah...
Who
knows, though, maybe there will be others out there who have felt
(feel) something similar. I plan to go into the whole Good Vs Evil and
Love & Fear topics in depth, and I hope there are some themes there
that really connect with people on a deeper level. I can’t be the only
out there feeling this way.
Considering we are all connected, how could that even be possible, right?
I think I’ve dug deep enough for now. Now to get the fucken hell out of...
HEY! I swear to fucken God, if you don’t stop burying me in my own...
*sigh*
Anyone with a helping hand?
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