Evil

A to Z 2013 : HAUNTINGS

(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)

If there's one thing that can suck up a chunk of my time it's my passion for researching paranormal activity and/or unsolved murders. These obsessive studies come in waves, but once something has struck my interest I become very consumed. I can spend many endless nights attempting to garnish whatever information I can from an incident. From Wikipedia, to articles, to documentaries, to discussions/debates on said topics.

There are many unsolved murder cases that intrigue me; Jack the Ripper, Black Dhalia, and even missing persons cases like Jacob Wetterling. As for hauntings, well there are far too many to list. If I actually had cable and watched TV from home, I’d likely be watching a constant stream of paranormal shows/documentaries. I love almost all of them, though there are some exceptions.

One exception is a show (not even going to respect it enough to look up the title), where the “investigators” look like bodybuilder juicers that are screaming and “challenging” the spirits to come at them. When I would see previews for upcoming episodes, while watching another paranormal series, they would irritate the hell out of me. I couldn’t help but ridicule it to anyone that happened to be around during the time of the viewing.

I just see a scenario in my head with one of these guys yelling: “Come at me, bro! You mad, bro?” I would love to see one of them get served by a supernaturally-charged can of Whoop-Ass. I’d imagine the entity saying: “Da fuck? Oh hell no, I was king of these stomping grounds long before your granddaddy’s granddaddy even knew how to use his penis beyond a fist pump!”

Unfortunately, any actual interaction these guys claim to encounter I blow off as fake. I find it ridiculous, and makes it hard for me to sit and enjoy the program. There are a handful of series about the supernatural that seem to have spawned for nothing more than hack entertainment to garnish the all-mighty dollar. I will admit, though, even some of these are fun to watch.

A Happy Home
I'd buy that for a dollar! Or 80k of them!

One of my favorite haunting tales is The Amityville Horror. Chances are you’ve heard of this story, as there are many books and movies showcasing the events. I think only the first movies of any series were attempting to portray some of the actual occurrences experienced by the Lutz family; the rest just additional cash cowage. I’ve never fully researched this, though. Maybe all the movies are sprinkled with varying “true” accounts.

The story is about the Lutz family and their newly purchased home in New York; A neighborhood dubbed Amityville. The family — a husband, wife, and their three children — struck one hell of a bargain when coming across this house. For what they were getting, the price tag must have seemed too good to be true. In the end, it likely was, since they only lasted some twenty-eight days there.

Once moving in, the family began to be plagued by countless supernatural phenomena. From standard doors slamming, music playing, and property damage to green ooze, secret rooms, and nightmares. These nightmares supposedly played out the DeFeo Murders that had taken place in the house just thirteen months before the Lutz family bought it.

These murders consisted of Ronald DeFeo, Jr killing six members of his family. Check out some of the details in the link, the murders themselves seem shrouded in mystery (though, I'm expecting those familiar with Amityville know of this account). These murders are the basis of which the supernatural occurrences are blamed. The Lutz family had paranormal investigators come out to their property, as well as priests for blessings.

Eventually the family moved from the property, leaving behind their belongings. There are rumors that incidents followed along with them for a period of time before eventually stopping. The events that transpired eventually lead to books, movies, and other commercial endeavors being made. There are many criticisms about the Amityville House/Horror events, but remaining members of the family hold to them as being accurate/true.

The kicker to me is that the family was told about the previous murders in the house. I don’t care how much of a bargain the price tag given on a house is, if a place has a history like that I am saying Hell-to-the-No! An ex of mine expressed a strong desire to own a house with a barn-like front. I guess from my researching here they are called Dutch Colonials? Every time I see a house of this style I can’t help but think of this haunting. Thanks, but no thanks.

These are some trailers of upcoming movies that got me to thinking about this case:

My Amityville Horror:

The Conjuring:

 

Let Me Tell You a Story

Those trailers and talking to a friend about her and a friend’s paranormal encounters inspired me to make this entry about hauntings. I didn’t expect to talk so much about the Amityville House, and honestly I cut it down a ton. I’d like to describe some of the going-ons my family and I experienced while living in the town of Stanchfield, MN.
Even back in the day I was elusive to the camera.

I lived in this house for most of my childhood; from third grade through graduation. I am absent in the picture for some reason, but my brothers; aunt; uncle; and some others are in it. The house was previously owned by the Bieses (spelling uncertain after so long). They eventually bought a larger property just down the road from this previous location.

In the picture you can see the indent, where the door is located. That whole section from there to the balcony was all added on by the previous owners. I believe our doorway leading from one of the living rooms to the kitchen was where the original doorway to the house was. They added a lot to the house. During these additions, supposedly the Bieses experienced some lesser paranormal activity. Things such as doors/cabinets opening, closing, and locking. Furniture and/or belongings being moved/shifted.

I think about the Lutz, and can’t help but think my mother and (ex?) step-father were likely told these things before moving in. Maybe it was one heck of a deal? Perhaps money points make all the difference. Anyway, some history of the house (trying to recollect from memory and mind you never confirming anything - so all hearsay/rumor, but adds to the flavor I guess): a murder, a suicide, and a funeral and/or wake service held inside the house for a baby (which I guess was common practice sometimes back in the day?). I have no idea; just know it involved the dead within the house.

I wish I had a picture of the gnarled, horrific creation of a tree existing just outside the front porch. It always creeped me out, and supposedly that is where the suicide occurred. This didn’t stop me from climbing and playing on the damn thing. Kids can be so fucken stupid.

Anyway, a handful of us experienced some activity in the house, and I remember specifically telling my mother I felt that the house, or something associated with it, was evil/negative. This was in the midst of a lot of family strife mainly existing between our mother and ex step-father and us children and ex step-father. I won’t go into much detail about that here. I just blamed the house for a lot of those incidents.

One of my younger brothers — the one just below me — has had many experiences. He has seen a white outline of a person against the wall (during a period of leaving his room in pitch blackness), which oddity was heightened when our cat would go over to the specific spot to investigate the next day. He also would see a young woman out in the hallway wearing an old-fashioned yellow dress.

He believed that the spirit(s) he was associating with were benevolent (unlike my thoughts of the house). He claimed one — he believes was the spirit of an older woman, the one outlined in white light on the wall — would pat him on the head when he was going to sleep sometimes. I believe also this entity would sit on the mattress. I’d have to reconfirm that last part.

This is the spirit he “invited” to come with him when he moved momentarily into my apartment years ago. When he finally told me this (long since after having moved out) I got upset, because during that period I had the odd feeling of being watched fairly often. I don’t care if supposedly benevolent, I wanted no attachment to that house after finally leaving.

Another of our brothers awoke in the living room, in the middle of the night, to the static, white noise of the TV. When he was about to get up to turn it off, he noticed a shadow (darker than the night outside) standing just outside the bay window. The shadow then moved across the length of the bay window and out of sight. He was too paralyzed to move and stayed in the chair the entire night.

So my own personal experiences? There are only two events that I was “witness” to, aside from the pervasive intuitive feeling of negativity.

Who’s Your Daddy?

To give a basic idea of the house’s layout, when you entered that door in the picture there is a short hall leading to the kitchen. The entryway to the left (leading to the first living room) is the doorway I described as being the original door to enter the house before additions. Directly to the left of entering the first living room was a corner staircase to the second floor. All bedrooms were upstairs. Once reach the top of the landing you could only go right. Straight ahead from there was the two bedrooms my brothers and I occupied.

If you were to wrap around the railing there was a hall leading down to the bathroom and newly added master bedroom.

One day my brother (the one claiming all the benevolence of these freaky deaky spirits) and I were playing with Legos in our bedroom. We usually listened to cassette tapes or the radio as we played, but that day we weren’t. We were home alone — at this point in time I can’t recollect if our mother was working or just running errands; my brother would remember I bet — and enjoying a lovely non-sibling rivalry moment.

All of a sudden there was a kid shouting “Daddy!?” at the top of the landing straight across from where our bedroom was. Our door was open and we were both playing in sight of the landing. I will admit neither of us bothered to look at first. The initial scream scared the shit out of us and we threw blankets over ourselves almost instantly. Then the call for daddy came from what sounded like the kitchen. Soon after, another from what sounded like out in the field (we owned a bit of land). No door slam, no footsteps, and to get out into the field in between the timing of the shouts impossible.

We both eventually got out from under the covers and ran down to the master bedroom to look out the window which overlooked the field. Nothing, of course. In my panicked adrenaline bound craze I thought I saw the reflection of a kid in the window, screamed, and we both hid under my mother's covers a moment.

We couldn't tell if it was the shouts of a little girl or boy, but there was no questioning who they were looking for. So this is where I eventually thought maybe it was the spirit of someone who had passed away in the house. I’d only known of a baby (supposedly) and so that didn’t make sense as ghosts don’t age. Perhaps it was a young child? Or, in addition to the baby, there had eventually been a child passing there.

My brother and I never found out, as these are how these things usually play out. The next occurrence involved multiple people. It’s funny how much more reasonable things sound when you know you didn’t experience them alone.

The Guardians

On this given evening, the majority of my family and my mother’s friend were sitting in the first living room. I can’t recall the conversations, and one of the biggest memory gaps (unfortunately) being whether or not it was storming. I think my mother recalls there being a storm, but I definitely do not. In fact, the lack of the storm is what made this stand out so much to me.

Our house was older, as I’m sure was the wiring, so random little pocket flutters of lights dimming wasn’t uncommon. They weren’t overly frequent, however, either. This night we were gathered in the living room we had a flicker of the lights, but no one thought anything of it. I think having the flickering lights is what makes my mom think there was a storm, maybe?

After a while there was a static feeling in the air and the lights flickered a lot, to where I thought we were actually going to lose power. I can’t fully describe how the air "felt," or the exact feeling I had overcome me. I’ve already explained how I sensed negativity surrounding the house in general.

With this flicker/outage of the electricity, though, the dogs suddenly bolted up and began barking. Not only that, but they raced to the hallway leading to the front door. The dogs weren’t alone either. At the same time as the power fluxed and the dogs riled up our cats did the same. They didn’t meow or hiss, but they became... involved.

One of the creepiest moments for me was when I passed through the entryway to the kitchen, and turned to the right to look down the hall towards the front door. I wish I could say I saw some sort of glowing demon eyes (okay, no I freakin’ don’t) or some apparition, but this impacted me just as much.

Our two dogs — one a Saint Bernard — were silently sitting side-by-side staring at the front door. Just behind them, one behind each dog, our cats were side-by-side doing the same. They were just sitting there; all four of them. We are talking pets that didn’t get along with their own feline/canine brethren, let alone crosswise. Yet, there they all were lined up and side-by-side.

With the pervasive feeling combined with that incident, I can’t help but think they were guarding us from something. Something evil. As though nothing else mattered, all “differences” set aside as they joined forces for one common goal: Protect.

So that is the freakiest moment I had in the house, regardless of screaming ghost children and all.

Sorry, this was such a long post! I will try to make them shorter soon (but I and J are likely to be lengthy, as well). Hope you’ve enjoyed these tales of hauntings that my family and I have encountered. There are more, but these are the most prominent with myself and that house. Screw that place. My ex step-father still lives there, but is a skeptic and doesn’t believe in ghosts; our experiences discarded. I wonder if he's encountered any phenomena over the years. If he has, he likely wouldn’t admit it.

In closing, I have to be honest, as much as I want to see a ghost I don’t think I would be able to handle it. I‘m fine being limited to the experiences I’ve had with no direct confrontation!

Do you believe in the supernatural? If so, any personal experiences? Have any favorite haunting lore/stories?  Do you believe animals can sense the presence of ghosts and supernatural phenomena?

A to Z 2013 : CROOKS & THE CARETAKER

(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)
*SPOILER ALERT: There is a Season 1 : Episode 1 Game of Thrones spoiler within. I couldn't find a way to make a Spoiler Button, so if yet to either read the first book or watch the first season, be warned!*

So, I’ve spoken about the two most recent fiction projects I’m attempting to tackle; one an adult-focused gritty sci-fi/post-apocalyptic story, the other a fantasy/adventure fanfict.

Before moving on to another fantasy/adventure project in the works, I thought we would go to a lighter, fluffier place. Cute, playful, and...

Who am I kidding? Today’s subject is a dark and vile thing. Darkness and terror lurks within. Within the inner workings of Jed’s most deadly assassin...

The Belly of the Beast

...Crookshanks, or Crooks for short.

There he is, in all his self-proclaimed splendor! Taking over whatever piece of property he deems fit. Fit? Pffft. I guess one of those earlier descriptions was accurate: fluffy. Except he isn’t fluffy, he’s downright fat! He doesn’t allow me to call him that, though. He finds it insulting, so I call him robust or rotund. For some reason he’s okay with this, either being unfamiliar with the word, or... yeah... just stupid. He doesn’t allow stupid either, though. He prefers Obtuse.

Did I mention he is a cow cat? Befitting...
Me: “Crooks, you’re so damned rotund... you need to go on a diet. You can’t even lick your balls anymore!”

Crooks: “Neither can you, Dipnugget.”

Me: … … “Touché...”
Yeah, he is rude and vulgar.

Crooks was birthed from hellspawn itself. His mother was one disturbed, extremely OCD-bound whack job of a cat. I should have known from the beginning to stay away. He played the “adorable” card, though, and I’ve a bleeding heart. So I took him in, along with his sister.

A lot of people assume I named him Crookshanks based on Harry Potter. That would make sense, especially being I am a fan of the movies (though I’ve only seen up to the 6th and yet to read the books...), but they’re mistaken. He gets his name from the fact that his tail has a kink in it. At first I thought it had been stepped on or slammed in a door, but it wasn’t. It’s natural, a birth defect.

Thus Crookshanks was born! I think it was at conception that Jed got to him... I’ve yet to uncover any definitive proof of this. If he’s going to kill me, he’s taking his sweet time. Luckily I have no staircases he can trip me down. I‘m slightly concerned he will eventually go all “urban legend” on me and suck my breath away while I’m sleeping — or would that be an “Old Wives Tale”? Either way, he does have a nightly ritual he follows when I go to bed.

As it stands, I don’t sleep a whole hell of a lot, and his kinked tail seems to render him incapable of any major feat of physical prowess. Poor little sneaky, deceitful bastard. I should have known there was evil in him when he kept trying to sleep with his sister... I mean, who does that? Seriously?

Uh... I can explain...
A Cat’s Tale Tail or A Cat’s Tail Tale

I know one of those were chosen to be the title of this book (but now both look plausible); the book I am being forced to write, by Crooks, against my will. He demanded I write a children’s book starring himself as the leading character. The terms were quite simple: No depictions of him in a negative/evil light, no use of the words fat or stupid, and he receives 100% royalties. He plans to use the book to promote a false sense of lovability and comfort around the world. A world which I have come to believe he wishes to one day dominate.

I’m going along with his devious plot, if for no other reason than survival. He can have his wickedly deceptive, embellished, cartoony “memoir” of his liking. The world may become fooled by his cutesy antics and his cow-like pallet of fur, but I know the truth. I know what his true intentions are. In time, I will bring that truth to light, and his reign of terror will remain nothing more than a catnip pipe dream in his mind.

Crooks & I

This was (is?) to be a video series of our interactions. Crooks isn’t very technology savvy, and so I thought I would use this to my advantage. Unbeknownst to him, I plan to document how he treats me and reveal to the world his true nature. All the vulgarity, evil, and abusive brutality I must endure; always being trapped under his paw of oppression.

It would be vastly different than the children’s book I’ve been tasked to write. Very much an “R” rated presentation of his (our) life. With the magic of the interwebs I should be able to make the documentations easily accessible to the world. Eventually he would be stopped.

I can’t jump the gun, though. While his ideas may be extreme and lofty, he is but a kitten in a dog park. Or maybe... a petting zoo... because something more sinister, watching from the shadows, is pulling the strings. The mountain goat Jedidiah. dun Dun DUN! I know this with all my being, and through Crooks I will destroy my arch nemesis!

So let’s just wait and see what transpires. I’m patient and have a decently high tolerance threshold for sacrificing my needs when it comes to uncovering truth and delivering justice.

Hmm... A Cat’s Tale Tail or A Cat’s Tail Tale? Any authors (or aspiring authors) of children books out there? How big of a challenge do you think it would be to publish both children books and adult fiction? Have any pets that you think are plotting to kill you?

THE SECRET TRUTH OF THE HEART

I originally had an important post lined up to be released today; it is a special day. I decided, however, to go a slightly different route. A route that may result in some backlash, ridicule, and loss of friendship. If lucky, it will result in the opposite as well. This still is an incredibly important entry to me; just of a different nature.

As it were, I began this journey to open up about myself, and offer a glimpse of what makes me tick. There are some murky waters, but also some beautiful panoramic landscapes. I thought to myself: If I am going to do this, I have to dig deeper. I feel I have done that, to an extent, with my “Into the Grey” posts. It can be uncomfortable to admit those secret, questionable desires.

It wasn’t deep enough, though. I had to keep digging. If doing this, I have to do it right.

So I am about to share some things about myself that very few know. I could count them on one hand; I want to say three, but a fourth may have squeezed in there at some point. Vulnerabilities scare the shit out of me, but vulnerable becomes you when you open up. I have been assured I am not crazy, but I still think some of the following builds a strong case for an argument.

So I am going to keep digging. By the time I am done, I may be too deep to get out on my own. Some will have begun to shovel the dirt back over me, while some will offer their hand. One way or another, I will eventually get out.

Somehow I always come back.

“I will tell you God’s truth. God’s truth about me.”

I have no real way of accurately explaining what I am about to divulge. What I will be doing is discussing various topics that are true to me. In the sense that there is no “right” or “wrong” and no questioning of myself. These are simply the feelings and/or understandings of what just is. No different than knowing I am human and am alive. It is just an awareness I have. A few of these I feel transcend myself; that they apply to everyone.

I will begin with those and then move on to the more individual beliefs.

“Man can no longer live for himself alone. We must realize that all life is valuable and that we are united to all life. From this knowledge comes our spiritual relationship with the universe.” 
-Albert Schwweitzer

I believe in love and the interconnectedness of all; us, the world, the universe. Everything we do affects others on some level. Sometimes it is major, others barely noticeable. Actions can be fueled by positive (Love) or negative (Fear) intentions; much like thoughts, which I also believe affect those around us.

One of the hardest things for me to do has been, and still is, to control my output of negative thoughts. Most of mine involve myself; that lack of self-love. There have been plenty of times, though, where the thoughts are of others.

I am unsure how many of you have tried controlling those thoughts, but I find it to be a bitch. It is so impulsive and reactive; almost instant. Try catching yourself when you do it, and try retracting it. It is one of the things I am currently engaged on changing about myself.

I wish that more people understood we are all connected. Harming another harms ourselves. I think the sooner people begin to realize and accept this, the sooner we will all get along more peacefully.

While I’ve always had this belief about being connected, the acceptance about love has been more recent. Without going into too much detail, there was a time I didn’t believe in love. This is no longer the case and it integrates with connectedness.

I am Love

I am Love. You are Love. We are Love. God is Love. Love and Light I feel are interchangeable. Love is the essence connecting everyone and everything. In my writing, I call it The Essence. That unseen substance flowing and connecting everything in the universe. It is no different, I imagine, than The Force of Star Wars.

This is how I view Love. That power existing everywhere in the universe, in everyone, linking us all. I believe it is one of the hardest things for someone to accept - that you are love - and still is for me, from time to time. It exists in all of us, but sometimes it is drowned out. We don’t embrace it. Regardless of who you are, there exists Love. It is always there, even if just a pinprick. It glows there at our core, waiting to be accepted and grasped.

I am not religious, and one of my issues with religion is the seemingly teachings of God and ourselves as separate. He is Love and he is in each and every single one of us. You don’t have to go to church (though, I fully feel those types of social systems have their place - and can be very positive) to speak to God. You can, and do sometimes without knowing, at any given moment. He is talking to you too. Can you hear him? Still your mind and believe in the power within yourself.

God/Light/Love, as I said, I believe are interchangeable. This is the belief that has rang true to me. Resonates from within. There is no fear there. There should never be the fear of God/Light/Love. Ever.

Some have requested I go into detail about my spiritual journeys and so I will do specifically that, in a blog entry dedicated to that sole purpose. It may not be as exciting as they wish to think.

This gives you some understanding of my belief on God/Love. It is one some may resist or rebuke. That is okay, I don’t judge them. To each their own.

We are Love; the “good” and the “bad.” Everyone. There are no ifs, ands, or buts. Only what is and our awareness/acceptance of it.

Things That Just Are

Still with me?

So now a simpler list of things that I feel I just know and am aware of. One of those, has already taken place; albeit I thought it would be literal instead of metaphysical.

1. I am going to die at the age of 32 (or one of, I believe, 2 other ages):

Well, I am now officially 33 (Happy Birthday to me!), but I won’t count it completely until clocking over into Tuesday. I lived! Survived what? The Apocalypse? Seems we all survived that, and it was pretty anticlimactic.

I do, however, feel I died in a different sense. I broke free of a cycle I was stuck in, and have been given a creative rebirth. It has been a very positive and healthy transition. Perhaps there are two more of these “deaths” waiting for me down the road. I can only hope so. This isn’t to say I won’t have my challenges with this change. I most certainly do, but they are all for my own growth both spiritually and physically.

2. I have to be prepared to run:

I have to be completely honest, I have yet to uncover the meaning behind this. I took it, much like the first, to be literal. There is the chance that it could also have a more psychological and metaphysical meaning. It feels important, though, like there is possibly a dangerous element involved. I had associated this with the ages listed above and my death.

The reasons I am uncertain it is non-literal is because ever since I was a child, regardless of my size, I’ve always been a decent runner; I always loved to run (and bike). I would receive comments about it from students and teachers alike. Where I am at now, I doubt I could run away from a steamroller.

Which brings us to...

3. I am not prepared:

Again, I just naturally interlocked this in with the running and possible impending doom. It always seemed known that whatever was coming, there may be a way to escape, at least for a period of time. Overshadowing that was the knowledge that I was not prepared for whatever it was. I was squandering my time.

I worry this may be linked to my health in general. With my diabetic scare back in 2007, and the falling off of my newfound healthier lifestyle, I fear there may be a chance for relapse. Not a chance so much as an already ticking time bomb. One thats final time of detonation remains hidden from me.

The Best is Yet to Come

Now, these next two are the ones that give me the strongest hesitation. I personally feel they make me out as being completely crazy. Maybe I am? dun Dun DUN! Anything is possible. So let me think... anything to note before jumping in...

One thing would be to, again, explain how I a non-religious. Never believed in God; still don’t in the traditional, religious sense. For the longest time I would consider myself to be Atheist, and then Agnostic. Now I would say Spiritual.

This hole is already pretty deep, perhaps I should just take a break.

*Sigh*

Dig. Keep digging.

Delusions of Grandeur?

4. The belief that I am meant for something:

One of the two most persistent beliefs or awarenesses of what is.

Not just something, but something important.

More disturbingly, the knowledge existed that this could be with either positive or negative intentions. It would take some time trying to unravel and share with you the inner struggles of Good Vs Evil within myself. Rest assured, the “Good” won out... I think. Wouldn’t that be what an “Evil” person said, though, just to fool you?

Anyhow, this has been a feeling that has existed within me since a teenager. I can’t recall an exact age; just a general timeframe.

At one point in time, I thought it revolved around my writing. It has always been a goal to positively affect people with it. Even if it was just one person. Hell, even if it was myself. That is the most important goal to any writing I partake in. I suppose even my blogging would apply, though I know my focus was always on novel writing.

I’ve no real idea as to what this “importance” involves, nor on what scale. Just going by what I know of myself, I would assume it associated with helping people.

Mind you, I am just attempting to explain what I feel inside. What I know.

I’ve always disliked this feeling, because of the whole Delusions of Grandeur aspect. How am I supposed to be somehow important with anything profound. This irks me doubly given my constant underachieving habits. Despite my feelings of being unbefitting of such a thing, it is what it is. It is what I feel like I know to be true.

So if this is dangerous, watch out. It has always concerned me. To the point I would even google search for others with the same feelings. I did happen to encounter some groups/communities of people expressing similar thoughts/feelings/awareness, but I never engaged them. I studied from afar.

Researching this issue at least unearthed some results. The same couldn’t be said for my most troubling of awarenesses. The cream of the crop...

The Path of the Spiritual Warrior

5. I am a “Warrior of God”:

So yeah...

Not sure how to even explain this one. This is one I struggled and fought with for a long time. Where it came from, I’ve no idea. I remember just sitting there, minding my own business, and it ninja-kicked me in the mind.

What a dick.

You have to understand, for the longest time I didn’t believe in Love. I mean... I understood the formulaic nature it existed between family and such. As for feeling I could ever love someone else? No. I definitely didn’t believe in God. Don’t, again, in the traditional sense.

So when this kept persistently assaulting my mind over a long period of time, I became concerned. Who wouldn’t? Well, maybe some would just embrace it all “Fuck yeah!” style, but I assure you that wasn’t my take.

My take was like... “What the fuck is going on? I don’t even believe in God.”

I tried looked it up; if others had the same persistent feeling. Nothing. Wait, there was one dude that was a musician and began to play Christian music in church and such. That was the only instance I had found. That was some 5 years ago, though.

I will be honest, I haven’t even bothered to look it up again, and don’t plan to. Over the course of time, and my spiritual growth, I began accepting it. In a spiritual sense. A Spiritual Warrior. Now, what exactly does that mean? I’ve still only a very small semblance of understanding.

“The Spiritual Warrior is a person who challenges the dreams of fear, lies, false beliefs, and judgments that create suffering and unhappiness in his or her life. It is a war that takes place in the heart and mind of a man or woman. The quest of the Spiritual Warrior is the same as spiritual seekers around the world. The Spiritual Warrior faces this challenge with the clarity and awareness that this war is fought within himself and that Truth and unconditional love are on the other side of these battles.” -Toltec Spirit

As time went on I was distracted by a multitude of various materialistic things that mattered very little. So naturally part of me wonders how much this may intertwine into being unprepared.

Even with being distracted, though, I have changed and developed spiritually over the last few years. I feel that it is a self-reflective journey. One that, in some way, I can maybe share with others. I love the discussions of various beliefs, but how do you do so when a lot of yours are not yet fully defined?

What is defined? What I mentioned about Love and Connection. There is no wavering there. They simply are.

Dig a Hole, Fill it Up

So where does this leave me exactly? I’ve no idea. Not a fucken clue. All I know is I dug this hole.. and...

Hey! What the shit... Who started throwing dirt back down on me? I bet I know... (the “fucken” gave it away).

Seriously, though. These are just some of the things that I believe I know about myself, and the world around me. One can likely understand why I never talk about them. I feel like a whacked out freak job.

And... now it is all out there for the world to see! Fancy that. Yeah...

Who knows, though, maybe there will be others out there who have felt (feel) something similar. I plan to go into the whole Good Vs Evil and Love & Fear topics in depth, and I hope there are some themes there that really connect with people on a deeper level. I can’t be the only out there feeling this way.

Considering we are all connected, how could that even be possible, right?

I think I’ve dug deep enough for now. Now to get the fucken hell out of...

HEY! I swear to fucken God, if you don’t stop burying me in my own...

*sigh*

Anyone with a helping hand?