A to Z 2013 : FINALITY

(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)

I am not a writer.

That was the only thing said within this entry originally. It was short, simplistic, and spoke the truth; my truth. I found it very poetic. And brief for once in my life! Certain people — myself included — would appreciate that. After some sleep and a few hours of contemplation, though, I thought I would explain. Not out of obligation, but desire. I’ve met a handful of people I’ve really liked connecting with over this recent blogging endeavor; even more through the A to Z Challenge.

For my entire life I feel like I’ve been playing “writer,” never actually being one. In high school I would write and draw a lot. All the time. I wanted to do comics and novels and had big ideas. Once graduating, caring less about college, I thought I would write my first novel. Instead, I wrote nothing; for years.

People would always ask how my writing was coming along, and I would say it was going good. I thought about my writing all the time, but never put any action into getting it down. I would essentially lie about writing, because I wanted to be a writer that bad. I’m sure over time they knew — everyone; friends and family — that I wasn’t writing. It doesn’t take five years to write a novel, does it? Ten? Eventually people stopped inquiring, except some family.

After the 12 year block, some assistance from a book; NaNoWriMo; and encouragement I began to blog. I was writing once again. Unfortunately, life changes with my job and family caused a few hardships. The biggest downfall has been allowing myself to spiral into a financial pit. While I should have been looking for a job, over the last few months, I’ve instead focused more on my writing. Maybe stressing about my writing is more accurate.

Whichever the case, it provided a distraction from doing what I should be doing: taking care of business. Getting a job, becoming more financially secure, continue with my exercise regiment, eat healthier, etc etc. Most would think this could all be done simultaneously, and for some that is very possible. I know myself, though, and I tend to lack a healthy balance between parts of my life. I have odd — some would say fucked up — priorities.

The kicker to me is... despite the time spent focusing on my writing, very little has been produced. I’m constantly distracted by a multitude of things; games, women, interwebs, women, friends, women. Okay, I don’t have lots of women around, that was more of a joke.

Anyway, a friend stated about how I talk so much about my writing, but never do it. It brought back all those years of “pretending” I was a writer, and I felt like a fraud. Mixed in is association with friends/family who don’t like my writing and/or believe it to be sub par. Everyone is apparently a great writer — beyond myself — explaining why none are published and if so, still working standard mundane jobs to support themselves; their writing unable to do so. At least they can support themselves, which is more than I will be able to say about myself very shortly.

Sometimes the Toughest Choices Are the Smartest

Swiping this from a Facebook status update...

So, I am definitely a dreamer. Always dreaming about being a writer, but never being one. Blogging has been a great experience, but it is also a distraction from my fiction which I would like to continue. In light of this, I plan to take a hiatus from blogging in hopes of being able to focus on some important matters in life. Work, money, maybe my fiction. I’d hate to have to be a fraud my entire life.

I may get back to the blogosphere, may not. I am very appreciative of those who have encouraged and actively supported me. Those new connections I’ve made during my brief stint. I hope to continue reading a good handful of blogs I’ve happened across these past months. There is a lot of good writing, talent, and people involved!

You’ll notice the comments are disabled. I’m not looking for sympathy or to drag people further into my pity party. I know most I associate with are really good people, and so your farewells and good wishes are known without saying. Naturally, following along may be a moot point now. No hard feelings for unfollowing.

I’ll continue to be a dreamer, but for now I have to wake up to the really real world and take care of some shit and, to be honest, it still may not happen. Such is life.

Hopefully I get back into blogging again once things are more stable.

No promises.

And naturally... no pinky swears.