(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)
I am not a writer.
That
was the only thing said within this entry originally. It was short,
simplistic, and spoke the truth; my truth. I found it very poetic. And
brief for once in my life! Certain people — myself included — would
appreciate that. After some sleep and a few hours of contemplation,
though, I thought I would explain. Not out of obligation, but desire.
I’ve met a handful of people I’ve really liked connecting with over this
recent blogging endeavor; even more through the A to Z Challenge.
For
my entire life I feel like I’ve been playing “writer,” never actually
being one. In high school I would write and draw a lot. All the time. I
wanted to do comics and novels and had big ideas. Once graduating,
caring less about college, I thought I would write my first novel.
Instead, I wrote nothing; for years.
People
would always ask how my writing was coming along, and I would say it
was going good. I thought about my writing all the time, but never put
any action into getting it down. I would essentially lie about writing,
because I wanted to be a writer that
bad. I’m sure over time they knew — everyone; friends and family — that
I wasn’t writing. It doesn’t take five years to write a novel, does it?
Ten? Eventually people stopped inquiring, except some family.
After
the 12 year block, some assistance from a book; NaNoWriMo; and
encouragement I began to blog. I was writing once again. Unfortunately,
life changes with my job and family caused a few hardships. The biggest
downfall has been allowing myself to spiral into a financial pit. While I
should have been looking for a job, over the last few months, I’ve
instead focused more on my writing. Maybe stressing about my writing is more accurate.
Whichever
the case, it provided a distraction from doing what I should be doing:
taking care of business. Getting a job, becoming more financially
secure, continue with my exercise regiment, eat healthier, etc etc. Most
would think this could all be done simultaneously, and for some that is
very possible. I know myself, though, and I tend to lack a healthy
balance between parts of my life. I have odd — some would say fucked up —
priorities.
The
kicker to me is... despite the time spent focusing on my writing, very
little has been produced. I’m constantly distracted by a multitude of
things; games, women, interwebs, women, friends, women. Okay, I don’t
have lots of women around, that was more of a joke.
Anyway,
a friend stated about how I talk so much about my writing, but never do
it. It brought back all those years of “pretending” I was a writer, and
I felt like a fraud. Mixed in is association with friends/family who
don’t like my writing and/or believe it to be sub par. Everyone is
apparently a great writer — beyond myself — explaining why none are
published and if so, still working standard mundane jobs to support
themselves; their writing unable to do so. At least they can support
themselves, which is more than I will be able to say about myself very
shortly.
Sometimes the Toughest Choices Are the Smartest
Swiping this from a Facebook status update...
So, I am definitely a dreamer. Always dreaming about being a writer, but never being
one. Blogging has been a great experience, but it is also a distraction
from my fiction which I would like to continue. In light of this, I
plan to take a hiatus from blogging in hopes of being able to focus on
some important matters in life. Work, money, maybe my fiction. I’d hate
to have to be a fraud my entire life.
I
may get back to the blogosphere, may not. I am very appreciative of
those who have encouraged and actively supported me. Those new
connections I’ve made during my brief stint. I hope to continue reading a
good handful of blogs I’ve happened across these past months. There is a
lot of good writing, talent, and people involved!
You’ll
notice the comments are disabled. I’m not looking for sympathy or to
drag people further into my pity party. I know most I associate with are
really good people, and so your farewells and good wishes are known
without saying. Naturally, following along may be a moot point now. No
hard feelings for unfollowing.
I’ll continue to be a dreamer, but for now I have to wake up to the really real world and take care of some shit and, to be honest, it still may not happen. Such is life.
Hopefully I get back into blogging again once things are more stable.
No promises.
And naturally... no pinky swears.
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