*Attempts to wipe away caked-on dust, accumulated from months of neglect, but it merely smears*
Well, that's annoying!
But to be expected, I guess. Just one of many problematic situations arising from not writing in over half a year. Some others include becoming rusty with writing in general, losing my audience (well, let's face it, I had maybe two or three dedicated readers!), and having to fumble around with a proclaimed "simple" user-interface (and sure, it's simple) that is lacking in various blog amenities (like great onboard community-building tools and options), which were standard issue with free services (while this is a costly endeavor).
SO, WHAT HAPPENED?
A fair question, asked by no one from the far end of the interwebs (oh, that reminds me, the lame SEO algorithms I have provided to me in said interwebs at large). The short answer is: a handful of things. Some I've spoken about, while some I haven't and may not (beyond mention).
The first major life-change that occurred was developing Neuropathy last year. Since that post, I've grown more accustomed to the pain, but the pain still exists. I have given up hope that eventually whatever "shock" the doctors say my body experienced from my weight loss will reverse. Just the other night I had the thought that maybe it wasn't just the weight loss, but from quitting all my damn sodas and power drinks cold turkey. You know? Like maybe my body retaliated, thinking it was dependent on it all. Like the adverse effects an alcoholic can suffer when they quit drinking cold turkey, except not death. I know it sounds silly and I'm sure there are zero studies, but I used to drink an incredibly excessive amount of soda and power drinks! Nevermind it all being diet and sugar free, that shit is still poison for your body (some believe worse than full-bodied even, or at least, in different ways).
Anyways, once the Neuropathy started taking over, a lot of things (a lot) became more difficult. Walking, sleeping (like I needed more bullshit in that area, right?), continuing my job as a caretaker (of apartments — not people — in case you're new around here). My energy levels are low a majority of the time and it's hard to focus on anything. That lack of focus played a role in setting aside my writing and YouTube videos. If I become distracted enough, I almost forget I'm in pain, but for a long while I wasn't able to hit those levels of distraction. I wrote blog posts throughout the end of the year, out of assumed obligation, but the videos came to an end (and all the board game, movie, and review aspirations along with them).
And during my normal annual break from blogging (for Christmas and my birthday), more tragedy struck. And it caused a deeper pain that Neuropathy didn't have shit on.
Those who know me, and/or have followed along over the years I've blogged, know that I was extremely close to my grandmother on my father's side. Not that my other grandmother is minced meat or anything (far from it!), it's just that the relationship that I had with my grandma Betty was deeper and more consistent. I'll save rehashing the details of such for another entry, if I decide to. For now, it's merely important to understand that her passing this past Christmas was devastating to me.
I'm beyond Thankful that my girlfriend and I were able visit her just two days beforehand to give our Christmas wishes and Love, while she was in the hospital. I'm also Thankful that she didn't pass at said hospital and had instead been released (believing everything was okay — relatively), dying at home where it was known she would have preferred.
Needless to say, the depression incurred was brutal and I may still be experiencing it on and off during an apparently prolonged grieving period. I withdrew, already becoming more of a recluse than I already am (and even more so than after being bestowed with Neuropathy). All desire to do anything instantly vacated my core. My blogging and already limited social life among them. I had always wanted to accomplish something in Betty's lifetime to make her proud. This mostly revolved around writing a book, which — lo and behold — I still haven't gotten anywhere close to doing. But after her passing it all felt incredibly pointless and moot.
I still feel that way, but I am attempting to move past it, knowing in my Heart of Hearts she would want me to continue reaching for my dream(s). I'd like to think she's still cheering me on and watching over me as I transition into this new phase of my life without her.
"But wait, doesn't bullshit always happen in threes?"
Well fuck me, Timmy, when you're right, you're right!
Also lurking behind the scenes during this period (and before, considering it — along with my grandmother's wavering health — played a role in my stress and eventual two month long panic attack last year) was the realization that my baby brother may be headed to the Big House. And without going into the details, unfortunately the culmination of months/years dealing with a bullshit justice system resulted in him, indeed, going to prison.
We haven't given up the fight, he is seeking an appeal, but the odds haven't ever been in our favor.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
That's a fair question, as well. I know this post has been mostly Doom and Gloom, but that's not to say that there hasn't been any recent positive motion in my life. Quite the contrary! But this post wasn't about where things are headed, but rather, where things have been. And why I've been absent and silent for so long. So for now I plan to get that out of my system and this has hopefully offered a glimpse of understanding.
We can touch on the more finer, uplifting aspects another time. Whenever that may be...
Until then, take care of yourselves.