Death

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REMEMBERING A FELLOW BLOGGER

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REMEMBERING A FELLOW BLOGGER

It's safe to say that my time spent in the Blogosphere has been brief when compared to others, especially considering how sparse my contributions have been in that time frame. And while I understand, possibly unbeknownst to some less familiar, that the bonds created can be a bit fickle, it doesn't detract from the fact that real, positive friendships are made. And that the people you come into contact with can leave everlasting impressions.

This is one of those people.

(A Blog Every Day in May 2013 Challenge Entry)

Let’s see what we have lined up after our “Happy” list.

Today’s prompt:

Day 15, Wednesday: A Day in the life (include photos from throughout your typical day - this could be "a photo an hour" if you'd like)

Well, considering I’m old-school and have no personal cell phone (let alone a smartphone), the taking of pictures just isn’t going to happen.

I’ll just share my day, which is pretty uneventful.

A Day in the Life

After waking up from a lovely three hours of sleep, I say hello to Crooks — he always lays with me whenever I finally turn in — and get out of bed. Normally I’d just wander around in my boxers, but as I had company I put on some sweatpants and a shirt. I really hate wearing pants. Even comfy sweat/pajama pants. In fact, whenever I come home and am alone (or with intimate/familiar company) the pants come off; sometimes I ask if it’s okay first.

So as soon as my company left, off they went.

I peruse the interwebs. This includes email, Facebook, my blog, and the blogs of others. I reply to comments left on my blog and when able attempt to comment on others. Then I contemplate (at least during May) what I will write about today. This current challenge offers prompts which helps, but I usually don’t set out to writing until about 9pm. Lately 10pm. I’ve been lucky that these prompts have allowed for shorter posts.  Two hours for me to write something up, read, and edit isn’t very much time.

It isn’t long before my pantless relaxation is interrupted by my apartment buzzer. The voice on the intercom is familiar, but it’s a distant familiarity. I ask for a moment, in which I take the time to put my jeans back on and fuss with my hair.

At the door I’m met with an old tenant who was in the area and looking to move back into the apartments. We share a simple exchange. I explain there are no openings that I‘m aware of, but offer her the new property management’s office numbers. They would have a better grasp on any upcoming vacancies. A curt thank you and farewell, and I’m back in my apartment; depantsed. That isn’t a word, but for today it is.

I’m not looking forward to today.

My grandmother’s sister just passed away, and I plan on visiting her (actually I’m there... here... right now as I type this) to see how she is doing and to get information on the upcoming family affair. Seems I’ve had a lot of these in the past six months. Too many, really.

I shower, feed my cat — offering him his routine treat whenever I leave for an extended period of time — pack up my laptop, and head out. On the way I pick up lunch, which is also part of my Grandma Day routine. Though, usually Grandma Day is Monday. Given the circumstances taking place earlier this week, it was shifted to today.

Over lunch my grandmother and I exchange thoughts, feelings, and information. My great aunt’s wake will be tomorrow, the funeral Friday. I’ll have to discuss this with my brother. We had plans to visit a friend tomorrow, but it may work out in the end. I’m prone to skip the wake and attend the funeral. This all will be taking place out of town, so if having to choose one or the other I pick the latter.

9:30am. That’s when I will have to be at my grandmother’s to go along with them to the funeral. Depending on how things go Thursday — likely it’s going to be a late night — the thought of getting up and functioning well before then seems fairly daunting. I will do what I have to, though. I can sleep in the car. I usually don’t have a choice in the matter either way. The falling asleep in the car, that is.

So now I’m currently at my grandmother’s writing up this daily entry. This isn’t exactly a typical day, but close enough. Usually there is a lot less solemn conversation. More fun and laughs.
As for the rest of my day?

I may go visit a local book/card shop that I used to frequent. I’d like to write some fiction, but the somber mood isn’t too conducive. Or is it? I will likely hit the gym tonight after I head home. Fucken gas is $4.19 now. Fuck my nuts, that’s ridiculous. Note to self: try not to drive much this week, or through Memorial Day weekend.

The gym would do me some good to get my mind off of things. We will see.

I really want to work on fiction, so maybe I’ll give that a go. Not long until the midnight deadline for submissions into a contest I have been planning on entering for weeks now. Damn this Blog Every Day in May Challenge!

I’m sorry; it’s not your fault. It’s not you, it’s me. Fiction motivation lapsing. Should have written it in the moment when the idea was fresh and surging in my mind. It’s still there beating, trying to live. Have to help it breathe. There’s been far too much death already.
So this past week was another rough one. There were no sudden bursts of wanting to run into seclusion, but rather a chain of unfortunate events leading to loss. The two most prominent weren’t necessarily directly linked, but associated in the background.

One irreversible, another salvageable (or at least I tell myself); both healthy, in terms of allowing growth if handled correctly. If being honest, I can’t say if I will handle either in the best way, but I plan to try.


A Death in the Family

Last week my family buried my uncle at Fort Snelling. His passing was sudden, and just months after his father (mother’s side) passed. The cause is still being checked into, and I hear it could take weeks. I guess I watch one too many police procedural shows, because I thought it would be a matter of days, if that.

I wasn’t extremely close to either my uncle or grandfather. Both seemed to keep to their own lives, much as I do myself. They both would attend all our family functions, though. I can only attempt to imagine the pain my mother must be feeling. I feel like I fail in comforting her. It was even worse attempting to comfort my uncle’s daughters. I felt completely incompetent. I was unable to find any words, but I don’t believe there are always words for something like that. Sometimes words can’t express enough.

When I was first contacted, and still unaware of what had happened, I had multiple scenarios flash through my mind. I knew the news was bad, terrible even, and so I thought of my brothers. Mainly the youngest and the next oldest after myself. I guess I feel they would be the ones to find themselves in some sort of predicament.

Hearing my mother’s voice told me things were much more dire than anticipating. Instantly, I thought of a death in the family. This still secured these two brothers in my mind, but it shifted more to the next oldest. He is a stupid driver, and way out of reach now after having moved.

To fuel it, while my mother attempted to compose herself she said “Che...” and then had to take another moment. I then thought this meant that something had, indeed, befallen my brother. Finding out it was my uncle, I think she possibly thought, for a moment, she was on the phone with my brother; she had been attempting to contact him, along with the rest of the family.

So last week was the funeral. Once again, I was face to face with relatives I had just seen after my grandfather’s passing, but before that I hadn’t seen in years; some since being too young to even remember them. The same pleasantries were exchanged: the desire to stop meeting under such circumstances, and resolutions to become closer to one another. I believe the same was said at my grandfather’s funeral. It may be “standard issue” among many families in such an event.

I’d like it to be true, to come true. That these aren’t just pleasantries. I think people in general get too distracted with life and themselves that they don’t keep in touch with others. Whether friends, family, lovers; life happens. I’ve always been one of the belief that there’s always time. Even if just for a quick call. With the world being as connected as it is now, I have little room for excuses.

Sadly, I fall into the category of not specifically doing so with those I know. I don’t believe I make excuses, though. I understand that I have had multiple opportunities to do so, but haven’t. It isn’t hard really. Make a call, send an email, a text. I feel worse on my end, because I don’t have near as busy a life as many others I know. I have no excuses, and I try not to pretend I do.

For a brief moment, after the death of someone close, people seem to remember there are others connected to them.  A blip of connectedness. Their lives slow down, they have time to think and look around. That innate desire in everyone, in humans, to be close to one another kicks in.

In their heart of hearts, they want things to change. They want to be closer to those they have drifted away from. The hope of that is generally short lived. Soon life resumes and back into the vortex they are sucked.

So will this time be different? In most cases, there are a small percentage of individuals positively affected by such a traumatic event. Individuals that dedicate and convict to such changes they want to see happen in their life. It’s wonderful, yet a shame specific circumstances had to unfold to spark that change. It seems a path most of us are doomed to repeat over and over again.

I think, and hope, my cousins are among a few who will undergo this transformation. Both showed how strong they were in the wake of their father’s death. I was extremely proud of them. I learned the oldest (possible they both do?) has a beautiful voice that I hope she continues to use to express herself, whether through music or some other manner.

My heart and love goes out to them and to everyone affected by this tragedy.

On my end, I hope to let go of some guilt. Some associated with my grandfather, and some with my uncle. Pointless hangups. Perhaps I will finally make the change and be more in touch with others outside my immediate family.

If I don’t, I don’t really have an excuse.
So the year is about to close out. December 21, 2012 is almost upon us, and sadly I no longer believe in the multitude of conspiracies theories I subscribed to when growing up. We will pretend it was when growing up, and not within the past decade. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me a good conspiracy theory, but come on. So wait... the world isn’t going to end? It will keep on truckin' like it always has? Well it’s a good thing I gave it my all in life, so that I was accomplished and experienced in the vast majority of joys life brings to... wait a second... oh, right... shit...

Fuck me.

Almost forgot about that whole “squandering of my life” part... bummer. Squandering is a term I’ve used over the past few years. While I may not be anywhere close to where I thought I would be in life, I feel I have been in a position to where I could have changed that. Granted, I feel like that is something that can be done at any given time, for the most part, for anyone. Not to be a stick in the mud, though, to all of those “anything is possible” proclaimers out there. I am sometimes one of them. But if I were to lose half my torso and limbs in an accident, and had you telling me my dreams of being an All-Star Olympic track runner was still “possible,” I would likely smile while imagining all sorts of ways that I could do ungodly amounts of bodily harm to you until you were dead. One scenario of which involving some gum, a paper clip, and a rubber band.

That’s right, I would MacGyver the shit out of you... with my mind. And I would laugh and laugh and laugh, ironically thinking that maybe things weren’t so bad after all.

Fortunately, I am not in that position, nor was that ever a dream of mine (being an Olympian). On the flip side, I have had much time where I could have went back to school, worked a standard job and saved up a massive amount of money, or done anything beneficial for the human race. Instead I did basically nothing productive. I still saw friends, dated, shared in hobbies and passions, etc etc. As far as bettering myself in a handful of key ways, though? Nothing. Except spiritually. That is also another topic for another entry.

So when a friend mentioned he knew I was just kind of “waiting” until the end of the world, it really struck home. Over the past five years or so, I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes in my life. I start out strong, many times, but then fall off the wagon. Spiritually, I feel I’ve achieved quite a bit. Physically and health-wise beyond that? Not so much. There has always been the urge and desire to improve on those area and, like I said, I go for a spurt and then sputter.

While it is very true I have concerns about my health and the possible resulting doom I invite unto myself, I feel that I have taken a new belief to the whole “death” aspect. With varying changes I have made already, and being more proactive in certain areas (some over these past few month alone), I feel that I was mistaken. Hoping I was mistaken, I should say. I still believe a death will occur, but I believe it is on a more metaphysical level. That the “old” me will die, while the new bursts forth and takes a better hold on life.

That I will experience what I would consider: A new beginning.

It won’t be easy, and I’ve certainly a long way to go. Blogging and expressing myself is but one of the steps I am taking to reach this place of being.

I plan to, over the course of writing this blog, delve into all varieties of bits and pieces that make up who I am.

As a lot of people know, it can take a lot to get me to do something new... hell even anything, at times. Sometimes I take baby steps, and others I jump right in. Either way, all of it is exciting and scary as all hell! I am greatly appreciative of all those who have, and who choose to, stay the course with me. It definitely isn’t easy sometimes.

So, as they say: “Out with the old...”

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