So
this past week was another rough one. There were no sudden bursts of
wanting to run into seclusion, but rather a chain of unfortunate events
leading to loss. The two most prominent weren’t necessarily directly
linked, but associated in the background.
One
irreversible, another salvageable (or at least I tell myself); both
healthy, in terms of allowing growth if handled correctly. If being
honest, I can’t say if I will handle either in the best way, but I plan
to try.
A Death in the Family
Last
week my family buried my uncle at Fort Snelling. His passing was
sudden, and just months after his father (mother’s side) passed. The
cause is still being checked into, and I hear it could take weeks. I
guess I watch one too many police procedural shows, because I thought it
would be a matter of days, if that.
I
wasn’t extremely close to either my uncle or grandfather. Both seemed
to keep to their own lives, much as I do myself. They both would attend
all our family functions, though. I can only attempt to imagine the pain
my mother must be feeling. I feel like I fail in comforting her. It was
even worse attempting to comfort my uncle’s daughters. I felt
completely incompetent. I was unable to find any words, but I don’t
believe there are always words for something like that. Sometimes words
can’t express enough.
When
I was first contacted, and still unaware of what had happened, I had
multiple scenarios flash through my mind. I knew the news was bad,
terrible even, and so I thought of my brothers. Mainly the youngest and
the next oldest after myself. I guess I feel they would be the ones to
find themselves in some sort of predicament.
Hearing
my mother’s voice told me things were much more dire than anticipating.
Instantly, I thought of a death in the family. This still secured these
two brothers in my mind, but it shifted more to the next oldest. He is a
stupid driver, and way out of reach now after having moved.
To
fuel it, while my mother attempted to compose herself she said “Che...”
and then had to take another moment. I then thought this meant that
something had, indeed, befallen my brother. Finding out it was my uncle,
I think she possibly thought, for a moment, she was on the phone with
my brother; she had been attempting to contact him, along with the rest
of the family.
So
last week was the funeral. Once again, I was face to face with
relatives I had just seen after my grandfather’s passing, but before
that I hadn’t seen in years; some since being too young to even remember
them. The same pleasantries were exchanged: the desire to stop meeting
under such circumstances, and resolutions to become closer to one
another. I believe the same was said at my grandfather’s funeral. It may
be “standard issue” among many families in such an event.
I’d
like it to be true, to come true. That these aren’t just pleasantries. I
think people in general get too distracted with life and themselves
that they don’t keep in touch with others. Whether friends, family,
lovers; life happens. I’ve always been one of the belief that there’s
always time. Even if just for a quick call. With the world being as
connected as it is now, I have little room for excuses.
Sadly,
I fall into the category of not specifically doing so with those I
know. I don’t believe I make excuses, though. I understand that I have
had multiple opportunities to do so, but haven’t. It isn’t hard really.
Make a call, send an email, a text. I feel worse on my end, because I
don’t have near as busy a life as many others I know. I have no excuses,
and I try not to pretend I do.
For
a brief moment, after the death of someone close, people seem to
remember there are others connected to them. A blip of connectedness.
Their lives slow down, they have time to think and look around. That
innate desire in everyone, in humans, to be close to one another kicks
in.
In
their heart of hearts, they want things to change. They want to be
closer to those they have drifted away from. The hope of that is
generally short lived. Soon life resumes and back into the vortex they
are sucked.
So
will this time be different? In most cases, there are a small
percentage of individuals positively affected by such a traumatic event.
Individuals that dedicate and convict to such changes they want to see
happen in their life. It’s wonderful, yet a shame specific circumstances
had to unfold to spark that change. It seems a path most of us are
doomed to repeat over and over again.
I
think, and hope, my cousins are among a few who will undergo this
transformation. Both showed how strong they were in the wake of their
father’s death. I was extremely proud of them. I learned the oldest
(possible they both do?) has a beautiful voice that I hope she continues
to use to express herself, whether through music or some other manner.
My heart and love goes out to them and to everyone affected by this tragedy.
On
my end, I hope to let go of some guilt. Some associated with my
grandfather, and some with my uncle. Pointless hangups. Perhaps I will
finally make the change and be more in touch with others outside my
immediate family.
If I don’t, I don’t really have an excuse.
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