CLOSING DOORS

A year late and a give-a-fuck short. That’s what this blog entry is.

There was a lot going on a year ago and a whirlwind of things on my mind at the time (not that I don’t always have a maelstrom of shit in my head at any given moment). One such event involved house hunting with my girlfriend, which I didn’t feel qualified or deserving of participating in. I wasn’t exactly bringing anything to the table. But I was assured I was an important factor in the decision making process. After multiple failed attempts, we eventually had an offer accepted.

The timing of it all was — how many events (life-changing or otherwise) have played out for me — uncanny. Nestled just right where it seemingly belonged. A piece of a puzzle placed, bridging the gap between the two points of where I was currently at in life and where I was potentially going. A new chapter. A smooth transitioning. Mostly.

It didn’t help that this was amidst the passing of one of my grandmothers and incarceration of my brother, something I briefly spoke about in a previous post.

To say that I was “checked out” in 2018 is probably an understatement. I systematically cut myself off from almost all social interactions, including family holidays. This didn’t bode well with my girlfriend or our relatives (at least mine).

But I digress.

The timing of having an offer accepted on a house, and the steps entailed thereafter, coincided with stepping down as a caretaker for the apartments I lived at. It was a role I had maintained for twelve years, through multiple owners, both at an officially hired capacity and otherwise. Ultimately, there was only a month gap between quitting and moving into our new house. This meant that there was very minimal financial burden during the transition and was a best case scenario in that specific facet.

Despite that factor, there were other facets that weren’t as optimal for me personally. Specifically change itself. I’m a creature of habit and I was being forced to embrace leaving behind what had been my life for over a decade. Even if I felt where I was at, especially the comforting hermitization it allowed me to create, wasn’t healthy — I may have referred to it as a prison, one in which I was a willing, active participant in building and condemning myself to. That didn’t change the fact that the process was both anxiety and fear inducing.

Admittedly, changes were coming regardless if it involved my girlfriend and I getting a house or not. I was, after all, leaving my job. There was no getting around that, the time had come. However, moving compounded anxieties centered around the unknown.

Before I begin to stray again, I’m sure you get the picture.

There’s that cliche saying of when one door closes, another opens. I’ve used it myself, and while I had high hopes for 2018 — self-publishing some fiction, building a YouTube channel, working on a game project that has had relatively positive reception from friends and family — I felt that the door slammed in my face and instead of another opening, I was left in darkness. If there was another door that had opened, I wasn’t seeing it.

This seemed fitting — Laminated Poster

I want to be clear that that doesn’t mean there weren’t positive gains from everything that transpired. There were quite a few, but my confidence, dreams, and ambition were shot.

I vowed that in 2019 I would force myself to crawl out of my rut and reassert myself into the social sphere, and in some ways that has proven to be successful — though, I often take one step forward followed by two steps back, but… baby steps. Unfortunately, where 2018 seemed to be my Doom and Gloom (most recent Doom and Gloom?), 2019 turned out to be that for many others. My girlfriend is one of those having a particularly rough year, but I’ve noticed many expressing that sentiment over social media as well.

The darkness I was left in was eventually pierced by a slim shaft of light. A door somewhere began to crack and I am hoping that it will fully burst open in 2020. With that being said, I’m also hoping that those who have been feeling lost and in pain throughout 2019 can shut that door, heal, and move on to new, positive opportunities come the new year. Sooner rather than later, unlike myself.

I’ll wrap it up there.

Oh, and I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, and has a Happy New Year!

Have you ever had a moment, whether short or prolonged, where you’ve just completely checked out? What are some things you do to attempt getting out of your rut? Was 2019 a good or bad year for you? What did you do (or plan to do) for Christmas and New Years Day 2020? What goals do you have for the new year?