(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)
*SPOILER ALERT: There is a Season 1 : Episode 1 Game of Thrones spoiler within. I couldn't find a way to make a Spoiler Button, so if yet to either read the first book or watch the first season, be warned!*

So, I’ve spoken about the two most recent fiction projects I’m attempting to tackle; one an adult-focused gritty sci-fi/post-apocalyptic story, the other a fantasy/adventure fanfict.

Before moving on to another fantasy/adventure project in the works, I thought we would go to a lighter, fluffier place. Cute, playful, and...

Who am I kidding? Today’s subject is a dark and vile thing. Darkness and terror lurks within. Within the inner workings of Jed’s most deadly assassin...

The Belly of the Beast

...Crookshanks, or Crooks for short.

There he is, in all his self-proclaimed splendor! Taking over whatever piece of property he deems fit. Fit? Pffft. I guess one of those earlier descriptions was accurate: fluffy. Except he isn’t fluffy, he’s downright fat! He doesn’t allow me to call him that, though. He finds it insulting, so I call him robust or rotund. For some reason he’s okay with this, either being unfamiliar with the word, or... yeah... just stupid. He doesn’t allow stupid either, though. He prefers Obtuse.

Did I mention he is a cow cat? Befitting...
Me: “Crooks, you’re so damned rotund... you need to go on a diet. You can’t even lick your balls anymore!”

Crooks: “Neither can you, Dipnugget.”

Me: … … “Touché...”
Yeah, he is rude and vulgar.

Crooks was birthed from hellspawn itself. His mother was one disturbed, extremely OCD-bound whack job of a cat. I should have known from the beginning to stay away. He played the “adorable” card, though, and I’ve a bleeding heart. So I took him in, along with his sister.

A lot of people assume I named him Crookshanks based on Harry Potter. That would make sense, especially being I am a fan of the movies (though I’ve only seen up to the 6th and yet to read the books...), but they’re mistaken. He gets his name from the fact that his tail has a kink in it. At first I thought it had been stepped on or slammed in a door, but it wasn’t. It’s natural, a birth defect.

Thus Crookshanks was born! I think it was at conception that Jed got to him... I’ve yet to uncover any definitive proof of this. If he’s going to kill me, he’s taking his sweet time. Luckily I have no staircases he can trip me down. I‘m slightly concerned he will eventually go all “urban legend” on me and suck my breath away while I’m sleeping — or would that be an “Old Wives Tale”? Either way, he does have a nightly ritual he follows when I go to bed.

As it stands, I don’t sleep a whole hell of a lot, and his kinked tail seems to render him incapable of any major feat of physical prowess. Poor little sneaky, deceitful bastard. I should have known there was evil in him when he kept trying to sleep with his sister... I mean, who does that? Seriously?

Uh... I can explain...
A Cat’s Tale Tail or A Cat’s Tail Tale

I know one of those were chosen to be the title of this book (but now both look plausible); the book I am being forced to write, by Crooks, against my will. He demanded I write a children’s book starring himself as the leading character. The terms were quite simple: No depictions of him in a negative/evil light, no use of the words fat or stupid, and he receives 100% royalties. He plans to use the book to promote a false sense of lovability and comfort around the world. A world which I have come to believe he wishes to one day dominate.

I’m going along with his devious plot, if for no other reason than survival. He can have his wickedly deceptive, embellished, cartoony “memoir” of his liking. The world may become fooled by his cutesy antics and his cow-like pallet of fur, but I know the truth. I know what his true intentions are. In time, I will bring that truth to light, and his reign of terror will remain nothing more than a catnip pipe dream in his mind.

Crooks & I

This was (is?) to be a video series of our interactions. Crooks isn’t very technology savvy, and so I thought I would use this to my advantage. Unbeknownst to him, I plan to document how he treats me and reveal to the world his true nature. All the vulgarity, evil, and abusive brutality I must endure; always being trapped under his paw of oppression.

It would be vastly different than the children’s book I’ve been tasked to write. Very much an “R” rated presentation of his (our) life. With the magic of the interwebs I should be able to make the documentations easily accessible to the world. Eventually he would be stopped.

I can’t jump the gun, though. While his ideas may be extreme and lofty, he is but a kitten in a dog park. Or maybe... a petting zoo... because something more sinister, watching from the shadows, is pulling the strings. The mountain goat Jedidiah. dun Dun DUN! I know this with all my being, and through Crooks I will destroy my arch nemesis!

So let’s just wait and see what transpires. I’m patient and have a decently high tolerance threshold for sacrificing my needs when it comes to uncovering truth and delivering justice.

Hmm... A Cat’s Tale Tail or A Cat’s Tail Tale? Any authors (or aspiring authors) of children books out there? How big of a challenge do you think it would be to publish both children books and adult fiction? Have any pets that you think are plotting to kill you?


It has finally happened... all my hard work, blood, sweat, and rambling has finally paid off! Sometimes I don’t think people understand what I must go through in order to make a blog post. First, I have to find my “happy place.” Sounds simple enough right? WRONG! That place just happens to be deep within The Himalayas. I dub my sanctuary: Cryton’s Crest. Please don’t trespass, it’s a sacred place and I have a dozen highly-trained ninja bush babies standing guard at all times.

You’ve been warned.

So, I must travel to and transverse The Himalayas; no easy feat. Secondly, I have to get by The Guardian of the Pass. He's never told me his name, but I call him Jedidiah. Jed is a mountain goat and Jed is a prick, for lack of a better word. Each time I make the climb to my sanctuary Jed is there to intercept me and an epic battle of strength and wit ensues. I can’t tell if this is ironic being I’m a Capricorn.

In the end, I always win. Always, because I'm king of my mountain. No man-eating, bloodthirsty, vertically-challenged runt of a mountain goat is going to change that! When I reach Cryton’s Crest, and have rested — healing my wounds, both physical and emotional — for 3 days and 3 nights, I begin the creative process of writing a new blog entry. Once complete, I make the trek back home to The States.

On my way out of The Himalayas, Jed is there... always ahead of me... always watching me. He never launches an assault when I leave, biding his time. He knows I’ll be returning to Cryton’s Crest soon enough. It’s only a matter of time.

There's much more I endure each and every time I prepare a blog post, but none of that matters now. The trials and hardships have lead to this moment...

I’ve accepted and recieved my first award! The Liebster Award (The Liebster Award supposedly originated in Germany and was set up as a way to discover new blogs):

BUT, just like my journey to Cryton’s Crest, there are challenges to overcome before I can accept the award. Rules. The first rule of the Liebster Award Club is we don’t talk about the Lieb... Sorry, wrong club.

Hmm... my instincts tell me this is somehow connected to Jedidiah and his evil plots...

Liebster Award Rules

  1. Post the award on your blog (Like I have above)
  2. Thank the blogger who nominated you for the award and display a link back to their blog
  3. Post 11 random facts about yourself
  4. Answer 11 questions that the presenter of the award has asked you
  5. Nominate 11 new bloggers with fewer than 200 followers that you want to pass the award on to
  6. Ask your nominees 11 questions

The award has been posted and I’d like to give a big, warm thank you to Kirsten at Black Coffee and Cigarettes for nominating and presenting the award to me! She also blogs at: Just Ermie & Short Story Ideas Please take the time to check them out (I’ll be doing the same)!

11 Random Facts About Me

  1. I had an irrational fear that I may die at the age of 32. No worries, I lived, but 32 has now replaced by two other ages. dun Dun DUN!
  2. I’ve associated with people for years (both online and off) who have never known my real name.
  3. I have habit of making up words and phrases.
  4. I hate feet. I think they're disgusting! Though, much to my horror, I’ve given a foot massage or two. *shiver*
  5. I'm extremely close to friends and family.
  6. I’ve tried Frosted Flakes with orange juice instead of milk. After 3 times, I think I may have kind of sort of possibly almost liked it a little?
  7. My favorite color is Grey. Yes, it is a color! The darker renditions of Purple and Blue fight for second place.
  8. I'm a geek and love movies, music, video/board/card games and much much more.
  9. I have never paid for cable TV, nor have I watched standard TV at home in over 7 years.
  10. I am an INFJ
  11. I think my cat is a secret agent of Jed and is plotting to kill me.

11 Answered Questions Asked By My Presenter

1. How do you like your coffee?
Well, I don’t much like coffee, but I do drink it on Thursdays now. If I have coffee I like it any way in which it no longer tastes like coffee. Chocolatey will suffice!

2. If you were a sandwich, which type of sandwich would you be? Why?
Hmmm, interesting question. I’m not sure. I’d have to say an Italian BMT from subway, because I eat so many of them I’m likely already underway to becoming one myself.

3. What is the strangest job you’ve ever done?
Unfortunately, I’ve never really had a strange job. Kind of always had the boring, mundane ones.

4. If you could be invisible for a day, would you use your invisibility for good or for evil?
I would struggle with the Evil aspects for a while, but ultimately believe I would side with the forces of good. *sigh* So boring lol.

5. Other than invisibility, what skill of talent would you like to have?
I will impose a superpower here (like invisibility). The power to read minds, as I'm always obsessed with knowing the truth. Having this power may make me go mad, though.

6. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
This question gets me every time. I swear I had a story saved just for such an occasion, but it seems I’ve forgotten it. Considering I have anxiety (or social anxiety) a lot of moments which aren’t actually embarrassing have that feeling associated with it to me.

7. If you could commit one crime and get away with it, what would it be?
Easy, robbing a bank. I know it's cliche, but it’s all about the bling, baby! Is money bling? Or is just bling... bling? Okay, I mean... Show me the money, baby!

8. What is your favorite ice cream?
I love Apple Pie ice cream!

9. If you could be a fictional character from film or literature, who would you be?
Oh lord. I’d love to be either Sherlock Holmes, Malcom Reynolds, Spike Spiegel, or John McClane. Each are awesomely badass in their own way. Adding in John Locke from LOST!

10. What is your favorite song lyric?
Well, I love way too much music. Lately, however, I’ve been obsessed with “If I had a Heart” by Fever Ray.

11. If you could rule the world for a day, what would you change?
Considering most any change you attempted to make in one day wouldn’t be adhered to once you no longer ruled the world, I would attempt to accumulate all the hidden/secret knowledges of the world. Then the following day, I would begin the rest of my life on the run from countless government agencies and secret societies that wanted me dead for possessing said knowledge.

11 Liebster Award Nominees

This is going to be hard. Partially because I haven’t read many blogs lately (especially ones that would qualify the "200 or less followers" prerequisite), but also many people I met who did blog have now given it up for the time being. I’d like to nominate active bloggers, naturally.

I’m going to attempt to half/half this. A handful of blogs I know/follow and some that are completely new to me I’d find interesting/follow.

And the nominees are:

Holy hell, that list took over 3 hours to make! I may need a moment to crawl up into the fetal position in the corner and cry for a while. Those are my chosen nominees. I will be following along with a handful of them through the A to Z challenge. Visit their blogs!

11 Questions for My Nominees
If nominated and wishing to accept the award, please remember to answer these questions about yourself in your post.

  1. What is your favorite color?
  2. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Why?
  3. If you were resurrected as an animal, what would you want to be? Why?
  4. What is the last book you read and/or are currently reading?
  5. Who is your favorite Author?
  6. Have you ever participated in NaNoWriMo or the A to Z Challenge before? If so, what were your experiences like?
  7. What is (or was) your most anticipated movie to be released in 2013?
  8. Who was your first movie crush? 
  9. What would your dream job entail?
  10. Who has been the most influential person in your life? 
  11. Do you believe in the supernatural? If so, any experiences?

In Closing

That took a lot longer than I anticipated, but was well worth the effort! I hope the nominees enjoy the post and questions. Looking forward to reading their posts.

Some scrapped questions included: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Did Han shoot first? Does a bear shi... yeah, I think you get the drift.

I want to thank Kirsten at Black Coffee and Cigarettes again for nominating me! That was a lot of fun and a great honor to be included in this award ceremony.

Good luck to those nominees, and everyone participating in the A to Z Challenge, Camp NaNoWriMo, and/or any other events this month!

Almost Forgot