Almost forgot about that whole “squandering of my life” part... bummer. Squandering is a term I’ve used over the past few years. While I may not be anywhere close to where I thought I would be in life, I feel I have been in a position to where I could have changed that. Granted, I feel like that is something that can be done at any given time, for the most part, for anyone. Not to be a stick in the mud, though, to all of those “anything is possible” proclaimers out there. I am sometimes one of them. But if I were to lose half my torso and limbs in an accident, and had you telling me my dreams of being an All-Star Olympic track runner was still “possible,” I would likely smile while imagining all sorts of ways that I could do ungodly amounts of bodily harm to you until you were dead. One scenario of which involving some gum, a paper clip, and a rubber band.
That’s right, I would MacGyver the shit out of you... with my mind. And I would laugh and laugh and laugh, ironically thinking that maybe things weren’t so bad after all.
Fortunately, I am not in that position, nor was that ever a dream of mine (being an Olympian). On the flip side, I have had much time where I could have went back to school, worked a standard job and saved up a massive amount of money, or done anything beneficial for the human race. Instead I did basically nothing productive. I still saw friends, dated, shared in hobbies and passions, etc etc. As far as bettering myself in a handful of key ways, though? Nothing. Except spiritually. That is also another topic for another entry.
So when a friend mentioned he knew I was just kind of “waiting” until the end of the world, it really struck home. Over the past five years or so, I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes in my life. I start out strong, many times, but then fall off the wagon. Spiritually, I feel I’ve achieved quite a bit. Physically and health-wise beyond that? Not so much. There has always been the urge and desire to improve on those area and, like I said, I go for a spurt and then sputter.
While it is very true I have concerns about my health and the possible resulting doom I invite unto myself, I feel that I have taken a new belief to the whole “death” aspect. With varying changes I have made already, and being more proactive in certain areas (some over these past few month alone), I feel that I was mistaken. Hoping I was mistaken, I should say. I still believe a death will occur, but I believe it is on a more metaphysical level. That the “old” me will die, while the new bursts forth and takes a better hold on life.
That I will experience what I would consider: A new beginning.
It won’t be easy, and I’ve certainly a long way to go. Blogging and expressing myself is but one of the steps I am taking to reach this place of being.
I plan to, over the course of writing this blog, delve into all varieties of bits and pieces that make up who I am.
As a lot of people know, it can take a lot to get me to do something new... hell even anything, at times. Sometimes I take baby steps, and others I jump right in. Either way, all of it is exciting and scary as all hell! I am greatly appreciative of all those who have, and who choose to, stay the course with me. It definitely isn’t easy sometimes.
So, as they say: “Out with the old...”