So
here I am. My current place in life less than optimal. While I don’t
seek perfection, I do seek improvement; growth. Over the span of my
life, I have fluxed in regards to self improvement. As I have recently
discussed, spiritually I feel I have made some leaps and bounds. In
terms of a healthy lifestyle not so much.
My
strongest point in life to becoming more active and physically healthy
was soon after I ended up in the hospital. There I was diagnosed with
Type 1 diabetes. Before I had ended up at that point, though, I had
worried that the path I was heading down would lead to my death. I
specifically told myself that if I got over a certain weight I would get
sick, and end up in the hospital, if not die. It was like I was self
prophesying; continuing with the same activities that eventually lead me
to that very result.
After
my stint in the hospital I took a couple weeks to assess things,
learning what I could about diabetes, and then I began taking the
necessary steps to living a healthier lifestyle. That is the point I
would like to get back to. I know I can, but the maintaining of that
lifestyle is what worries me. Too easily, I fall back to my old ways.
The habit of eating junk and blowing off exercise. There is always an
excuse.
“I
will just take a break for a few days, I will get back on track after
that,” or “If I exercise it won’t matter if I stop for some fast food.”
While, both of those statements could theoretically be true, I never get
back on track and the frequency I pick up a quick meal increases.
Eventually, I am back where I started.
Dead man walking.
So
one of my goals is to eventually revert back to the lifestyle I briefly
adapted to after checking out of the hospital. Eating healthier and
exercising regularly. Another is to begin writing again, a goal I
currently reached and am maintaining. Along with writing I am now
getting out and meeting new people. Getting myself out of my comfort
zone. I may lack some standard social skills, but in time I feel
confident I will develop them more. I wish to meet positive, healthy
people (subjective, I know); people that will encourage and strengthen
the aspirations I have set for myself. I seem on the right path with
that so far.
At
one time, all of those goals were viewed as extremely difficult. Being
generally a recluse and dealing with an extensive writer’s block, they
seemed unachievable. Now a new set of challenges slowly shift and rotate
taking their places.
Some of these include:
- Maintaining a healthier lifestyle
- Making money via my hobbies
- Going back to school
- Getting a new job
- Publishing a piece of work
There are more, but we will start there.
Healthy living was already touched on some, so moving on.
I
believe the goal of making money with my hobbies will be one of the
first accomplishments of the bunch. I’ve done it before, am good at it,
love it, and would love to get back into it. There are a few hangups
with selling that I have, due to my own personal “collector” mentality,
but they should be manageable. I have a handful of friends who get on me
about avoiding this facet of my dreams. I love them for it, but it has
to annoy the living piss out of them. Procrastination and excuses
abound! This doesn’t exactly include writing, but it could. If I happen
to sell some of my writing then two things are knocked off my list at
once. I can live with that.
Going
back to school is questionable for me. I honestly don’t know if I want
to go back. I’ve been torn on that for so long. The issues about money
and being in debt are still real to me, and it is something I want to
avoid. Another thing that scares me is I feel completely incapable of
being able to learn/re-learn the most simple of things. I fear I won’t
grasp what is presented to me. People say once you get back into it that
it’s like riding a bike. I remain skeptical.
Another
huge factor is my sleeping habits which are less than optimal for
attempting to attend college, do homework, projects, finals, etc etc.
This would likely be one of the greatest challenges for me to overcome.
The dedication to changing my sleeping patterns and studying. I love to
be awake and I get distracted quite easily.
None
of this includes the simple fact that I don’t know what I would want to
major in. Generals could be taken, and that would suffice for a time.
What then? I’ve wanted to be a writer my whole life, and when my job
easily allowed for me to put forth the effort into making that a
possibility I squandered it. Now the slight shift in management with my
job has put me in a worse position. Yet, despite this, I began writing
and if nothing else maybe I can take some individual writing classes
offered at a local tech. I will expound upon this another time, perhaps.
Getting
a new job. That one is a pain in the ass. I have this issue with
working any kind of standard 9-5 style job. Overnights, while optimal
because of my sleeping schedule, ruins pretty much all semblance of a
social life (something I have been expanding exponentially this past
year). My old job paid for my place, plus cut a check bi-weekly. Now I
am at about half of that with the new management company, so like it or
not I have to pick up the slack! Suck it up, bite the bullet, and do
what needs to be done.
But I don’t want to.
Yeah,
that one is going to be a fucken bitch, and sadly should be at the top
of the list; as of 2 months ago. I realize this all makes me out to seem
like a lazy putz, but just being honest. There is a good chance I am a lazy putz. It is part of why I am attempting a new direction.
However
I come across, the goals remain the same and the steps to achieving
some of them already made. Now I just have to keep on trekking! Into the
great unknown... but not really. It is all familiar territory, just
some long lost.
With
new beginnings things can get a little hectic and scary. I will admit
that a lot of times I want to retreat back into the dark; into the deep.
But I have promises of myself to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
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