Motivation

A to Z : MOTIVATION

(And A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)

Once again I had planned an entry, but when coming time to sit down and write I get stuck. Like I have too much to say, not enough, or what I want to say isn’t going to be of interest to anyone. The post was going to be about Magic: the Gathering, a collectible card game I’ve been obsessed with, on and off, throughout the years.

Where would I begin? Go into the history of MtG? How to play? Why I am passionate about it? Talk about the blog I want to start based on the game? Question if my love for board/card/video games makes me some sort of man-child?

So anyhow, I just sit there. It’s like I’m back in my party days — drunk — staring at the hyperdrive-star screensaver in some stranger’s office. Except that was a lot funner, because I could pretend I was in Star Wars.

So I’m suffering from the lack of motivation on multiple fronts: “M” topic, job hunting, doing the laundry. Bleh. Suckage.

I’d rather just spend time catching up on blogs and commenting for now. I think that's how I'll spend my evening. I think I have an “N” entry that can cover some of these random, missed subjects. I will focus on that.

A friend wanted me to write about MacGyver. Considering I’ve never seen the series, I thought I would compromise with a video I recently saw posted:


Happy writing everyone!

Ever have a persistent lack of motivation? Any hints/tricks to get out of a funk?

NEW BEGINNINGS: PART TWO

So the year is about to close out. December 21, 2012 is almost upon us, and sadly I no longer believe in the multitude of conspiracies theories I subscribed to when growing up. We will pretend it was when growing up, and not within the past decade. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me a good conspiracy theory, but come on. So wait... the world isn’t going to end? It will keep on truckin' like it always has? Well it’s a good thing I gave it my all in life, so that I was accomplished and experienced in the vast majority of joys life brings to... wait a second... oh, right... shit...

Fuck me.

Almost forgot about that whole “squandering of my life” part... bummer. Squandering is a term I’ve used over the past few years. While I may not be anywhere close to where I thought I would be in life, I feel I have been in a position to where I could have changed that. Granted, I feel like that is something that can be done at any given time, for the most part, for anyone. Not to be a stick in the mud, though, to all of those “anything is possible” proclaimers out there. I am sometimes one of them. But if I were to lose half my torso and limbs in an accident, and had you telling me my dreams of being an All-Star Olympic track runner was still “possible,” I would likely smile while imagining all sorts of ways that I could do ungodly amounts of bodily harm to you until you were dead. One scenario of which involving some gum, a paper clip, and a rubber band.

That’s right, I would MacGyver the shit out of you... with my mind. And I would laugh and laugh and laugh, ironically thinking that maybe things weren’t so bad after all.

Fortunately, I am not in that position, nor was that ever a dream of mine (being an Olympian). On the flip side, I have had much time where I could have went back to school, worked a standard job and saved up a massive amount of money, or done anything beneficial for the human race. Instead I did basically nothing productive. I still saw friends, dated, shared in hobbies and passions, etc etc. As far as bettering myself in a handful of key ways, though? Nothing. Except spiritually. That is also another topic for another entry.

So when a friend mentioned he knew I was just kind of “waiting” until the end of the world, it really struck home. Over the past five years or so, I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes in my life. I start out strong, many times, but then fall off the wagon. Spiritually, I feel I’ve achieved quite a bit. Physically and health-wise beyond that? Not so much. There has always been the urge and desire to improve on those area and, like I said, I go for a spurt and then sputter.

While it is very true I have concerns about my health and the possible resulting doom I invite unto myself, I feel that I have taken a new belief to the whole “death” aspect. With varying changes I have made already, and being more proactive in certain areas (some over these past few month alone), I feel that I was mistaken. Hoping I was mistaken, I should say. I still believe a death will occur, but I believe it is on a more metaphysical level. That the “old” me will die, while the new bursts forth and takes a better hold on life.

That I will experience what I would consider: A new beginning.

It won’t be easy, and I’ve certainly a long way to go. Blogging and expressing myself is but one of the steps I am taking to reach this place of being.

I plan to, over the course of writing this blog, delve into all varieties of bits and pieces that make up who I am.

As a lot of people know, it can take a lot to get me to do something new... hell even anything, at times. Sometimes I take baby steps, and others I jump right in. Either way, all of it is exciting and scary as all hell! I am greatly appreciative of all those who have, and who choose to, stay the course with me. It definitely isn’t easy sometimes.

So, as they say: “Out with the old...”

NEW BEGINNINGS: PART ONE

PREFACE: This blog was written some two months ago, and was only partly finished. Instead of picking up where I was while in the moment of writing it, I thought I would break it into two parts.  This should explain the time lapse.

In the beginning...

...Is what the title would be if I were to be starting there. Alas, I am not. We are starting with the “Now.” If I am lucky, that is potentially the middle. Unless my fears of dying at 32 (one of about 3 foretold ages) become a reality. At this time, I am hoping my early days of conspiracy theories and end-of-the-world obsessions are what fueled that magical number. If not, I have roughly 3 months to live. If it is a combination of both? Well then we all have roughly 3 months to live. Sounds fair.

Perhaps this is a good place to delve into right from the get-go. Something random and neurotic. The overbearing feeling that I am going to mutha-fucken die. As mentioned, I felt the age of 32 would be one of those possible time frames. The others, while I have written them down somewhere, are a little more cloudy. 36 or 46 and 42 or 48 I believe they were. Basically, my 40’s are shaping up to be a rough period. I don’t feel the result would be in the form of an accident (though there is one scene of that type I see now and again in my mind, which I take as a possible writing piece), but more from health. I don’t feel I have been up-keeping my health as I should, and it may catch up to me. This is something I have been attempting to change in slow increments, over the years.

In fact, another blog or vlog I wish to create will be based around this. If I have the courage to go through with it, that is. If I do happen to commit to it I will be sure to share. I think it would keep me dedicated and on track, knowing others may be keeping tabs.

For the longest time I was all into the end-of-the-world business. I do think that contributes to a large chunk of my belief of dying at the age of 32. It may also be the reason why I haven’t ever fully gone "full steam ahead" on any of my ideas or projects. This was, sadly, confirmed by a friend who made comment about the topic.

With my creativity, there are deeper resistances. If there is one thing I know, it is that I am an underachiever. Maybe it was imagined, but I also felt the pressure of, being the oldest child and first to graduate from school, moving on to college. Be successful. I felt it was an expectation people held of me. Sure, I was decent in school, but where I grew up it seemed our education came up a bit short compared to others in preparing one for college. This is just my perception. Many (I’d like to believe) went on to various colleges and were successful in their fields. I was not one of them. I did a few months in computer programming until living conditions, and lack of a vehicle, put the kibosh on that. Did it have to? Nope, I could have sucked it up and used public transportation or asked for help. I guess I felt my foray into computer programming was complete.

That or I was unmotivated and lazy. More on that another time.

Eventually I became jaded about college. It was too expensive, you will be in debt for years, etc etc. While these are semi legitimate claims, there was likely more to it. It is kind of sad to admit that any belief of a possible “end-of-days” was in-part responsible, but I would be lying if saying it wasn’t.

So what was I planning on just in case the world wasn’t going to end? Not a damn thing. I wasn’t necessarily counting on it happening, but more so that I was just able to use it as an excuse to do nothing. Nothing at all.

To Be Continued...