New Beginning


So here I am. My current place in life less than optimal. While I don’t seek perfection, I do seek improvement; growth. Over the span of my life, I have fluxed in regards to self improvement. As I have recently discussed, spiritually I feel I have made some leaps and bounds. In terms of a healthy lifestyle not so much.

My strongest point in life to becoming more active and physically healthy was soon after I ended up in the hospital. There I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Before I had ended up at that point, though, I had worried that the path I was heading down would lead to my death. I specifically told myself that if I got over a certain weight I would get sick, and end up in the hospital, if not die. It was like I was self prophesying; continuing with the same activities that eventually lead me to that very result.

After my stint in the hospital I took a couple weeks to assess things, learning what I could about diabetes, and then I began taking the necessary steps to living a healthier lifestyle. That is the point I would like to get back to. I know I can, but the maintaining of that lifestyle is what worries me. Too easily, I fall back to my old ways. The habit of eating junk and blowing off exercise. There is always an excuse.

“I will just take a break for a few days, I will get back on track after that,” or “If I exercise it won’t matter if I stop for some fast food.” While, both of those statements could theoretically be true, I never get back on track and the frequency I pick up a quick meal increases. Eventually, I am back where I started.

Dead man walking.

So one of my goals is to eventually revert back to the lifestyle I briefly adapted to after checking out of the hospital. Eating healthier and exercising regularly. Another is to begin writing again, a goal I currently reached and am maintaining. Along with writing I am now getting out and meeting new people. Getting myself out of my comfort zone. I may lack some standard social skills, but in time I feel confident I will develop them more. I wish to meet positive, healthy people (subjective, I know); people that will encourage and strengthen the aspirations I have set for myself. I seem on the right path with that so far.

At one time, all of those goals were viewed as extremely difficult. Being generally a recluse and dealing with an extensive writer’s block, they seemed unachievable. Now a new set of challenges slowly shift and rotate taking their places.

Some of these include:

  • Maintaining a healthier lifestyle
  • Making money via my hobbies
  • Going back to school
  • Getting a new job
  • Publishing a piece of work

There are more, but we will start there.

Healthy living was already touched on some, so moving on.

I believe the goal of making money with my hobbies will be one of the first accomplishments of the bunch. I’ve done it before, am good at it, love it, and would love to get back into it. There are a few hangups with selling that I have, due to my own personal “collector” mentality, but they should be manageable. I have a handful of friends who get on me about avoiding this facet of my dreams. I love them for it, but it has to annoy the living piss out of them. Procrastination and excuses abound! This doesn’t exactly include writing, but it could. If I happen to sell some of my writing then two things are knocked off my list at once. I can live with that.

Going back to school is questionable for me. I honestly don’t know if I want to go back. I’ve been torn on that for so long. The issues about money and being in debt are still real to me, and it is something I want to avoid. Another thing that scares me is I feel completely incapable of being able to learn/re-learn the most simple of things. I fear I won’t grasp what is presented to me. People say once you get back into it that it’s like riding a bike. I remain skeptical.

Another huge factor is my sleeping habits which are less than optimal for attempting to attend college, do homework, projects, finals, etc etc. This would likely be one of the greatest challenges for me to overcome. The dedication to changing my sleeping patterns and studying. I love to be awake and I get distracted quite easily.

None of this includes the simple fact that I don’t know what I would want to major in. Generals could be taken, and that would suffice for a time. What then? I’ve wanted to be a writer my whole life, and when my job easily allowed for me to put forth the effort into making that a possibility I squandered it. Now the slight shift in management with my job has put me in a worse position. Yet, despite this, I began writing and if nothing else maybe I can take some individual writing classes offered at a local tech. I will expound upon this another time, perhaps.

Getting a new job. That one is a pain in the ass. I have this issue with working any kind of standard 9-5 style job. Overnights, while optimal because of my sleeping schedule, ruins pretty much all semblance of a social life (something I have been expanding exponentially this past year). My old job paid for my place, plus cut a check bi-weekly. Now I am at about half of that with the new management company, so like it or not I have to pick up the slack! Suck it up, bite the bullet, and do what needs to be done.

But I don’t want to.

Yeah, that one is going to be a fucken bitch, and sadly should be at the top of the list; as of 2 months ago. I realize this all makes me out to seem like a lazy putz, but just being honest. There is a good chance I am a lazy putz. It is part of why I am attempting a new direction.

However I come across, the goals remain the same and the steps to achieving some of them already made. Now I just have to keep on trekking! Into the great unknown... but not really. It is all familiar territory, just some long lost.

With new beginnings things can get a little hectic and scary. I will admit that a lot of times I want to retreat back into the dark; into the deep. But I have promises of myself to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.


So the year is about to close out. December 21, 2012 is almost upon us, and sadly I no longer believe in the multitude of conspiracies theories I subscribed to when growing up. We will pretend it was when growing up, and not within the past decade. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me a good conspiracy theory, but come on. So wait... the world isn’t going to end? It will keep on truckin' like it always has? Well it’s a good thing I gave it my all in life, so that I was accomplished and experienced in the vast majority of joys life brings to... wait a second... oh, right... shit...

Fuck me.

Almost forgot about that whole “squandering of my life” part... bummer. Squandering is a term I’ve used over the past few years. While I may not be anywhere close to where I thought I would be in life, I feel I have been in a position to where I could have changed that. Granted, I feel like that is something that can be done at any given time, for the most part, for anyone. Not to be a stick in the mud, though, to all of those “anything is possible” proclaimers out there. I am sometimes one of them. But if I were to lose half my torso and limbs in an accident, and had you telling me my dreams of being an All-Star Olympic track runner was still “possible,” I would likely smile while imagining all sorts of ways that I could do ungodly amounts of bodily harm to you until you were dead. One scenario of which involving some gum, a paper clip, and a rubber band.

That’s right, I would MacGyver the shit out of you... with my mind. And I would laugh and laugh and laugh, ironically thinking that maybe things weren’t so bad after all.

Fortunately, I am not in that position, nor was that ever a dream of mine (being an Olympian). On the flip side, I have had much time where I could have went back to school, worked a standard job and saved up a massive amount of money, or done anything beneficial for the human race. Instead I did basically nothing productive. I still saw friends, dated, shared in hobbies and passions, etc etc. As far as bettering myself in a handful of key ways, though? Nothing. Except spiritually. That is also another topic for another entry.

So when a friend mentioned he knew I was just kind of “waiting” until the end of the world, it really struck home. Over the past five years or so, I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes in my life. I start out strong, many times, but then fall off the wagon. Spiritually, I feel I’ve achieved quite a bit. Physically and health-wise beyond that? Not so much. There has always been the urge and desire to improve on those area and, like I said, I go for a spurt and then sputter.

While it is very true I have concerns about my health and the possible resulting doom I invite unto myself, I feel that I have taken a new belief to the whole “death” aspect. With varying changes I have made already, and being more proactive in certain areas (some over these past few month alone), I feel that I was mistaken. Hoping I was mistaken, I should say. I still believe a death will occur, but I believe it is on a more metaphysical level. That the “old” me will die, while the new bursts forth and takes a better hold on life.

That I will experience what I would consider: A new beginning.

It won’t be easy, and I’ve certainly a long way to go. Blogging and expressing myself is but one of the steps I am taking to reach this place of being.

I plan to, over the course of writing this blog, delve into all varieties of bits and pieces that make up who I am.

As a lot of people know, it can take a lot to get me to do something new... hell even anything, at times. Sometimes I take baby steps, and others I jump right in. Either way, all of it is exciting and scary as all hell! I am greatly appreciative of all those who have, and who choose to, stay the course with me. It definitely isn’t easy sometimes.

So, as they say: “Out with the old...”