BEDiM 2013 : DAY 24

(A Blog Every Day in May 2013 Challenge Entry)

Ah, fresh off a list of incredible life lessons learned outside the classroom, and I feel hot to trot; on top of the world. I really liked writing that post. I began on a serious note, and had more serious lessons lined up, but then I just slipped right into the absurd. It felt great. I feel great! Nothing can bring me down!

Today’s prompt:

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits.

Fuck me...

The Worst of Me

This lady is seriously killing me. The demand for so many pictures and the bipolar up and down — back and forth — of positive to negative topics.

This topic is kind of loaded, because there is potentially so much about myself I could view in a negative light. I may need a little help from my friends...

1. I live in a state of Denial (Which allows me to live in a state of Awesomeness).

Thanks “friends” for your contribution... seriously. I live in a state of denial. I placed the additional part to spruce it up some. Perhaps I can work this short list backwards, the opposite of yesterdays list. From funny to serious.

Where to touch on this, I’m not sure. I feel it could be true in some sense. I think we all live in some state of denial in one way or another.

Perhaps thinking that I’m not Diabetic, when in fact — after months/years of neglecting my health — it is very possible that I am. I feel this is a good example. Even with my newly acquired workout regimen, it is likely my bad habits have already done their dirty work; damage done. I can feel the damage. And how do I deal with these factors? I ignore them. I avoid doctors. I refuse medication.

I honestly believe I got this, yet simultaneously feel I am doomed. It’s pretty nifty. Guess I feel being I overcame it once before, I can again. But what if I squandered too much time after I stopped maintaining my health?

Hence believing damage done.

2. I allow my Social Anxiety power over myself.

I’ve already touched on this subject a handful of times. My social anxiety interferes with most facets of my life. Family, friends, work, business, pleasure; it knows no bounds. If any situation is new and unfamiliar, my SA rears it’s ugly face and takes over.

I have made fairly decent progress over the years, but it still seems to be a consistent issue. Once it’s overcome, I feel my life will change drastically. Mostly for the better. In an odd way, I do think it keeps me from engaging in less than favorable activities. An odd counterbalance of sorts.

3. I am a Coward.

Not sure I know exactly how to explain this, and I can’t recall if I’ve brought it up before. During my spiritual journey of self-discovery, I felt I uncovered a handful of lessons I was to learn in life. One was being more forgiving/learning forgiveness. Not just learning it, but managing and balancing it. The balancing aspect is an ongoing endeavor.

Stating I am a Coward doesn’t exactly seem a lesson, but perhaps finding Courage would be more accurate? Again, I’m not sure how to articulate it, but I felt like it was something I had to overcome.

I feel there are many times in my life I’ve failed to act, whether to help someone or help myself. When I think of Cowardice, though, I feel it revolves more along the lines of helping others. I see someone in trouble, or know someone is in a bad place, and I just ignore it. This isn’t just on a stranger level, but with people I know personally, if not intimately.

This may have a role to play in the White Knight Syndrome. The desire to help people, even when most times you can’t technically “save” them, especially from themselves. There are some specific instances that may have induced trauma, which also factor into my belief that this is a trait I have and must overcome.

I’ve struggled with this, internally, for some time. There are certainly instances where I have been courageous, times I’ve helped someone (both stranger and loved one), but there are some situations that seize me. I become semi-petrified in a Fear-Locke (I am spelling Locke that way due to my love of LOST). When this happens I can’t move. I want to, but I become so afraid that I can’t do anything. My mind races, and the urge to act surges, and I just... sit there; immobile. It is frustrating and maddening. Soon I fall into a state of... ambivalence? Indifference? Where I just ignore the situation/occurrence, only to be later haunted by my inaction and “what if” scenarios.

I would have to touch on that more specifically as it’s own topic to flesh it out more, but hopefully it gives a small glimpse into what I mean when calling myself a Coward.

So kudos to this Jennifer host for really knowing how to fuck with your head during this challenge Kudos indeed.

Any thoughts or feelings about my listed traits? Do you have any undesirable traits you’d like to share? Misery loves company...