A to Z 2017: ANXIETY

A to Z 2017: ANXIETY

This year for the A to Z Challenge 2017 I'm trying something completely different... vlogging! That's right, I'll be putting myself out there on YouTube, talking about who knows what for who knows how long! Come join in the conversation as I talk about a variety of topics throughout April.

Let the rambling begin!

BEDiM 2013 : DAY 24

(A Blog Every Day in May 2013 Challenge Entry)

Ah, fresh off a list of incredible life lessons learned outside the classroom, and I feel hot to trot; on top of the world. I really liked writing that post. I began on a serious note, and had more serious lessons lined up, but then I just slipped right into the absurd. It felt great. I feel great! Nothing can bring me down!

Today’s prompt:

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits.

Fuck me...

The Worst of Me

This lady is seriously killing me. The demand for so many pictures and the bipolar up and down — back and forth — of positive to negative topics.

This topic is kind of loaded, because there is potentially so much about myself I could view in a negative light. I may need a little help from my friends...

1. I live in a state of Denial (Which allows me to live in a state of Awesomeness).

Thanks “friends” for your contribution... seriously. I live in a state of denial. I placed the additional part to spruce it up some. Perhaps I can work this short list backwards, the opposite of yesterdays list. From funny to serious.

Where to touch on this, I’m not sure. I feel it could be true in some sense. I think we all live in some state of denial in one way or another.

Perhaps thinking that I’m not Diabetic, when in fact — after months/years of neglecting my health — it is very possible that I am. I feel this is a good example. Even with my newly acquired workout regimen, it is likely my bad habits have already done their dirty work; damage done. I can feel the damage. And how do I deal with these factors? I ignore them. I avoid doctors. I refuse medication.

I honestly believe I got this, yet simultaneously feel I am doomed. It’s pretty nifty. Guess I feel being I overcame it once before, I can again. But what if I squandered too much time after I stopped maintaining my health?

Hence believing damage done.

2. I allow my Social Anxiety power over myself.

I’ve already touched on this subject a handful of times. My social anxiety interferes with most facets of my life. Family, friends, work, business, pleasure; it knows no bounds. If any situation is new and unfamiliar, my SA rears it’s ugly face and takes over.

I have made fairly decent progress over the years, but it still seems to be a consistent issue. Once it’s overcome, I feel my life will change drastically. Mostly for the better. In an odd way, I do think it keeps me from engaging in less than favorable activities. An odd counterbalance of sorts.

3. I am a Coward.

Not sure I know exactly how to explain this, and I can’t recall if I’ve brought it up before. During my spiritual journey of self-discovery, I felt I uncovered a handful of lessons I was to learn in life. One was being more forgiving/learning forgiveness. Not just learning it, but managing and balancing it. The balancing aspect is an ongoing endeavor.

Stating I am a Coward doesn’t exactly seem a lesson, but perhaps finding Courage would be more accurate? Again, I’m not sure how to articulate it, but I felt like it was something I had to overcome.

I feel there are many times in my life I’ve failed to act, whether to help someone or help myself. When I think of Cowardice, though, I feel it revolves more along the lines of helping others. I see someone in trouble, or know someone is in a bad place, and I just ignore it. This isn’t just on a stranger level, but with people I know personally, if not intimately.

This may have a role to play in the White Knight Syndrome. The desire to help people, even when most times you can’t technically “save” them, especially from themselves. There are some specific instances that may have induced trauma, which also factor into my belief that this is a trait I have and must overcome.

I’ve struggled with this, internally, for some time. There are certainly instances where I have been courageous, times I’ve helped someone (both stranger and loved one), but there are some situations that seize me. I become semi-petrified in a Fear-Locke (I am spelling Locke that way due to my love of LOST). When this happens I can’t move. I want to, but I become so afraid that I can’t do anything. My mind races, and the urge to act surges, and I just... sit there; immobile. It is frustrating and maddening. Soon I fall into a state of... ambivalence? Indifference? Where I just ignore the situation/occurrence, only to be later haunted by my inaction and “what if” scenarios.

I would have to touch on that more specifically as it’s own topic to flesh it out more, but hopefully it gives a small glimpse into what I mean when calling myself a Coward.

So kudos to this Jennifer host for really knowing how to fuck with your head during this challenge Kudos indeed.

Any thoughts or feelings about my listed traits? Do you have any undesirable traits you’d like to share? Misery loves company...

BEDiM 2013 : DAY 3

(A Blog Every Day in May 2013 Challenge Entry)

Alright! This prompt doesn’t feel like it will be overly difficult or intimidating. I still should be getting these out a lot earlier than I have been. Cutting it close to midnight every time is for the birds! Owls to be more precise. This has been a crazy, hectic week. With work, A to Z wrapping up (and STILL catching up on blogs and comments), and cleaning/rearranging my apartment it’s been exhausting. Yet, I jump right back into the fire with the Blog Every Day in May Challenge. My wiring must be off.

So today’s prompt seems simple enough...

Day 3, Friday: Things that make you uncomfortable.

Considering I have Social Anxiety, I think I can cover this one. This is because most anything outside of the house (and routine) has the potential to make me feel uncomfortable; mostly situations dealing with crowds or strangers. Many of my friends believe this is a figment of my imagination, because when hanging out I can be very outgoing.

I describe this as being an Extroverted Introvert. When in the right situation (usually among friends/family) I feel very comfortable and, in turn, am very outgoing — sometimes annoyingly so. When in a larger group, or around strangers, not so much.

So these are some situations that make me uncomfortable — whether with close friends or not — in my daily life to life and/or social interactions.

Wanna Go to the Bar?

This is kind of the pinnacle of my anxiety. Tons of people and noise. I’ve never been one to handle things at a loud volume that didn’t involve music, and sometimes even then (naturally dictated by my taste in music). I don’t like loud voices, laughs, yelling, etc etc. Sometimes, within fun situations, I am not bothered by them. These factors can make or break who I date, as much as who I hang out with. All depends on the individuals I suppose.

The crowd factor I’ve been working on for some time. I’m way better than it used to be. I used to always believe people were thinking badly about me. “Oh god, look at this guy. Why does he dress like that?” “Yeah, I could steal his girlfriend away from him. No problem.” You get the idea. Finally, after a lot of... training myself?... I came to accept that no one was talking/thinking trash about me. Most people are too involved in their own lives to bother caring about those outside their own.

I still tend to avoid bars and/or parties unless I am with a group of people I am already comfortable with.

Check Out This Guy

Falling in line with the above, is when people of a group I am hanging out with feel the need to make fun of someone outside of the group. I understand sometimes someone walks into a place wearing this/that and you may share a comment (this makes me wonder if my fear above isn’t justified). Or, sometimes I ad-lib what is happening between a group of people.

Sometimes, though, people can go a bit far with it. Like being loud and calling attention to themselves where the individual they are mocking can hear. I believe they mock loudly just so said individual can hear. We have all experienced this, whether doing it ourselves or witnessing someone — of your group or others — engaging this type of behavior. Sometimes we laugh, at the expense of the poor individual being mocked.

This tends to happen more during the school years. As an adult, I don’t find it very humorous anymore. Maybe having suffered so much from my anxiety worrying about people doing/thinking the same of me, or just “growing up” I’ve come to have a great distaste for it. It can hurt feelings to an extent you’ve no idea, and for what purpose? Garnishing a laugh? I don’t mind — in fact, I love — teasing among friends; sarcasm, ribbing, vulgarity. When it comes at someone’s expense outside of the group, though, I become very uncomfortable.

I suppose it doesn’t matter in which fashion it’s done, discretely or openly, it still perpetuates negativity.

Take a Picture, It Will Last Longer

Staring. This can really creep me out. I don’t care if you are male or female (Or kid — Yeah, I will Me, Myself, & Irene you, punk! Okay, maybe not). I view staring as rude. I just grew up being taught that. Flirty little glances? Go crazy! Dead on, prolonged staring? Go back to Crazy Town!

You Have Really Nice Eyes
Uh... thanks?

Compliments — giving and receiving — can really make me uncomfortable. A lot of times I want to give compliments, but refrain. This is two-fold. One, I don’t want to be someone always dishing out a compliment (though, some women seem to eat it up) like I feel some men do to butter someone up for personal gain. Secondly, what if it is taken badly? What will she think if I say this? What if she thinks I’m stupid? What if it makes her not like me anymore? (I use her a lot, but the same with complementing men applies).

Recently, I gave one of the hardest, most heartfelt, compliments I’ve given someone in a long time. It was supposedly greatly appreciated, but was met with silence for weeks thereafter. Talk about a confidence booster!

As for receiving them, it just revolves around the whole self-reflection/self-love thing. That insecurity always trudging into the path of accepting kindness and love. Not necessarily of accepting it, but believing it (wait, is there a difference?). I never really know what to say. Rarely do I say anything back in return, but “Thank you.” Sometimes I am too uncomfortable to do even that.

Ah well, it can lead to awkward situations, which increases how uncomfortable everyone involved may become.

Do you, or anyone you know, suffer from anxiety? Have you experienced any of the above situations and found them to be uncomfortable? Ever given a compliment only to have it backfire? What makes you uncomfortable?