So after avoiding a moment of complete withdrawal from the world, things have been chugging along decently. I haven’t shut everyone out, and I'm not journey-bound to a remote cabin in the middle of nowhere to live a life of seclusion... yet. To be honest, if I had a partner and learned a bunch of that awesome survival stuff, that may not be too bad. Maybe a pet dog too, unless I could tame a bear. Or both. Both would be best. A PANDA BEAR!

Anyhow, thankfully things have calmed some and I’ve been attempting to focus on other things. Things like working out, writing, and thinking about trying to possibly find a job. That last one is probably the most important. Time is ticking.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

I have taken steps to sell various “hobby” items and it’s tax season, but the time has come to buck up and look for some work. Selling cards is a slow business, at least with what I am trying to sell. I have a habit of waiting too long and not selling while an item is hot and on the move. Oh you cursed Collector in me. Damn you to hell.

There is a slight issue with the job hunt, though. I really don’t want to work. Work a standard issue job, but more so... interviewing. I hate interviewing. If I could just walk into a place, hand them my résumé (one I need to revamp), fill out the appropriate paperwork and just start working, I’d be all for it. Unfortunately, that isn’t how the world works.

I’ve been spoiled some with having the freedom to make my own schedule for the past six years. With the new company that has taken over, I may have had a reduction in income, but at least I still have some freedom in making my own hours. Getting back out into the real world is going to strip that away mighty fast. Back to punching in and clocking out. Battling traffic. Praying my car holds out. Some of this is relieved if I get a job right down the road, which would be optimal.

Either way, I have this strong resistance to getting out there and just doing it. This usually isn’t the norm. In the past, I would stockpile funds and if things went sour somewhere I would have something to fall back on. Once the funds dwindled, back out and nabbing a job I went. Given the times, that may not be so easy to pull off anymore.

The most painful part is disappointing those trying to help. I have some friends, new and old, who are incredibly awesome at trying to amp me up and help me find work. One friend, who is half the continent away, will go off on me and load me up with tons of jobs in the area. I am thankful she isn’t in close proximity only for the reason I fear she would literally kick my ass.

Another friend is already threatening to kick me in the head. This is odd, being another time (under more “peaceful” circumstances) I think she wanted to kick me in the head too. Or, at least, that is what I thought the result would be. Needless to say, she apparently really wants her leg (or foot) around or in some close proximity to my face. It scares me.

I’m doubly thankful that these two individuals aren’t able to team up against me. I am sure I wouldn’t survive.

It’s likely I will take up a friend’s offer to spruce up my résumé, and start the hunt. Like I said, the clock is ticking down fast. As much as I professed nonchalantly, in the past, about not caring about ending up a  bum—being homeless on the street—I would rather not go that route to find out.

So a “thank you” to all those helping me! It is greatly appreciated and I will eventually get in gear, if for no other reason than having no other option.

- A Secondary Time Bomb -

Besides the job front, I have another time bomb counting down; my health.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Fortunately, this area seems to be improving. I recently joined a gym, and am attempting to go at least three times a week. I figured I would start off simple and build it up over time; small goals to begin with. Once I am more adapted to it, I hope to advance my program.

This week I watched an episode of Twin Cities Live and there was an interview with a fitness trainer. He mentioned that it took twenty one days to form a habit. There was no given time frame allowance between each specific action, but I assume it would have to be relatively close. Considering I usually go strong for 3 weeks, but then slack, this sounded like it could be right.

Out of curiosity, I scanned through my notebook I began keeping tabs in after being placed in the hospital. I kept track of what I ate, the quantities/carbs, exercises, and sleep. At the time, I had begun to use myself as my own guinea pig; a test subject. As I looked through the various entries, I noticed that I began with simple exercises like sit ups/push ups and then a gap of time doing nothing. Once getting back into the groove of things, I had shifted to using my treadmill and stationary bike. Then, once again, nothing. Each period was of about 2-3 weeks and then just died off.

So, my goal is to combine those exercises (never sure why I hadn’t before and just shifted from one to the other over time), hit the gym more, and hopefully forming a habit of it all. This is easier said than done with me, but I am optimistic.

On the way home from the gym this week, I had a crazy craving for Dairy Queen. This likely stemmed from a friend and I driving by it, and them mentioning possibly wanting ice cream. That sounded like a splendid idea, but once I was done discussing something I wanted to talk about, they were hot to trot to head home right quick. That hankering desire for a Blizzard stuck with me, though.

So that evening, coming home from the gym, I turned in towards DQ and then had that inner struggle and instead of going through the drive through I just parked in the lot. It was like I was literally fighting against the craving.

“Hey! You’re working out now, you can eat whatever you want!” my Craving said.

“But, wouldn’t that be counter-productive to my progress?” I retorted.

“Whaaaaaaaaaaat?! You know I don’t speak Spanish!” my Craving feigned confusion. It was too late, I was already on to it!

After a while, I won out and avoided grabbing a Blizzard. I rationalized this by instead optioning to grab a shake from McDs or BK. I could save a few bucks, and it couldn’t be as bad as a Blizzard could it? On the way there, I shifted over to the appropriate lane to make the left turn, but then subconsciously moved back over into the other lane and veered off onto a side road; one leading back to my place. So I had avoided yet another attempt by impulsive cravings to thwart me!

I know they say that it's best to indulge a craving, now and again, to avoid splurging and going nuts. I'm sure I will eat a handful of unhealthy things while I travel down the path of better diet/exercise; perhaps often. But, I can’t help but feel a bit proud that I was able to counter the urge. Instead, I went and bought some fruit and enjoyed that.

All I know is, I have to get my head in the game, because time is running out.

Tick-tock, tick-tock and all that jazz.


So here I am. My current place in life less than optimal. While I don’t seek perfection, I do seek improvement; growth. Over the span of my life, I have fluxed in regards to self improvement. As I have recently discussed, spiritually I feel I have made some leaps and bounds. In terms of a healthy lifestyle not so much.

My strongest point in life to becoming more active and physically healthy was soon after I ended up in the hospital. There I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Before I had ended up at that point, though, I had worried that the path I was heading down would lead to my death. I specifically told myself that if I got over a certain weight I would get sick, and end up in the hospital, if not die. It was like I was self prophesying; continuing with the same activities that eventually lead me to that very result.

After my stint in the hospital I took a couple weeks to assess things, learning what I could about diabetes, and then I began taking the necessary steps to living a healthier lifestyle. That is the point I would like to get back to. I know I can, but the maintaining of that lifestyle is what worries me. Too easily, I fall back to my old ways. The habit of eating junk and blowing off exercise. There is always an excuse.

“I will just take a break for a few days, I will get back on track after that,” or “If I exercise it won’t matter if I stop for some fast food.” While, both of those statements could theoretically be true, I never get back on track and the frequency I pick up a quick meal increases. Eventually, I am back where I started.

Dead man walking.

So one of my goals is to eventually revert back to the lifestyle I briefly adapted to after checking out of the hospital. Eating healthier and exercising regularly. Another is to begin writing again, a goal I currently reached and am maintaining. Along with writing I am now getting out and meeting new people. Getting myself out of my comfort zone. I may lack some standard social skills, but in time I feel confident I will develop them more. I wish to meet positive, healthy people (subjective, I know); people that will encourage and strengthen the aspirations I have set for myself. I seem on the right path with that so far.

At one time, all of those goals were viewed as extremely difficult. Being generally a recluse and dealing with an extensive writer’s block, they seemed unachievable. Now a new set of challenges slowly shift and rotate taking their places.

Some of these include:

  • Maintaining a healthier lifestyle
  • Making money via my hobbies
  • Going back to school
  • Getting a new job
  • Publishing a piece of work

There are more, but we will start there.

Healthy living was already touched on some, so moving on.

I believe the goal of making money with my hobbies will be one of the first accomplishments of the bunch. I’ve done it before, am good at it, love it, and would love to get back into it. There are a few hangups with selling that I have, due to my own personal “collector” mentality, but they should be manageable. I have a handful of friends who get on me about avoiding this facet of my dreams. I love them for it, but it has to annoy the living piss out of them. Procrastination and excuses abound! This doesn’t exactly include writing, but it could. If I happen to sell some of my writing then two things are knocked off my list at once. I can live with that.

Going back to school is questionable for me. I honestly don’t know if I want to go back. I’ve been torn on that for so long. The issues about money and being in debt are still real to me, and it is something I want to avoid. Another thing that scares me is I feel completely incapable of being able to learn/re-learn the most simple of things. I fear I won’t grasp what is presented to me. People say once you get back into it that it’s like riding a bike. I remain skeptical.

Another huge factor is my sleeping habits which are less than optimal for attempting to attend college, do homework, projects, finals, etc etc. This would likely be one of the greatest challenges for me to overcome. The dedication to changing my sleeping patterns and studying. I love to be awake and I get distracted quite easily.

None of this includes the simple fact that I don’t know what I would want to major in. Generals could be taken, and that would suffice for a time. What then? I’ve wanted to be a writer my whole life, and when my job easily allowed for me to put forth the effort into making that a possibility I squandered it. Now the slight shift in management with my job has put me in a worse position. Yet, despite this, I began writing and if nothing else maybe I can take some individual writing classes offered at a local tech. I will expound upon this another time, perhaps.

Getting a new job. That one is a pain in the ass. I have this issue with working any kind of standard 9-5 style job. Overnights, while optimal because of my sleeping schedule, ruins pretty much all semblance of a social life (something I have been expanding exponentially this past year). My old job paid for my place, plus cut a check bi-weekly. Now I am at about half of that with the new management company, so like it or not I have to pick up the slack! Suck it up, bite the bullet, and do what needs to be done.

But I don’t want to.

Yeah, that one is going to be a fucken bitch, and sadly should be at the top of the list; as of 2 months ago. I realize this all makes me out to seem like a lazy putz, but just being honest. There is a good chance I am a lazy putz. It is part of why I am attempting a new direction.

However I come across, the goals remain the same and the steps to achieving some of them already made. Now I just have to keep on trekking! Into the great unknown... but not really. It is all familiar territory, just some long lost.

With new beginnings things can get a little hectic and scary. I will admit that a lot of times I want to retreat back into the dark; into the deep. But I have promises of myself to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.