-String-of-10 FIVE Flash Fiction Contest-

This will be but a brief interlude. I wanted to post a contest taking place that a fellow blogger (Shannon @ The Warrior Muse, check her out. Like... not her, but the blog more specifically!) highlighted today in their new post.

This is the contest: String-of-10 FIVE Flash Fiction Contest It is being hosted by Flash Fiction Chronicles. There is a deadline of 2/9/2013 11:59pm PST. Sounds like they also offer a variety of prizes, as well. Click the link to check out the details!

It seems pretty interesting, and nothing too complicated. The biggest challenge, for me, will be trimming things down to 250 words. That is, if I can convince myself to partake, which I am attempting to. The main reason being, once looking at the key words to use, I had a story instantly come to mind.

I like the idea of the contest, and the necessity of using specific words. If you glance down below on their posting, you will come across the previous winners of the contest. Some good, quick reads.

It looks like the contest began on 2/3/2013 12:01am PST, so we are already halfway through. That's a bummer, but this is Flash Fiction people! I don’t even necessarily know what that means, but I am pretending it is something along the lines of short and sweet! A spontaneous flash!

So, I am hoping some fellow writers I know, and/or random bloggers/readers that happen to come across The Cryton Chronicles will enjoy checking it out.

Get those juices flowing!

This blog entry was 280+ words. I am so screwed!
So after avoiding a moment of complete withdrawal from the world, things have been chugging along decently. I haven’t shut everyone out, and I'm not journey-bound to a remote cabin in the middle of nowhere to live a life of seclusion... yet. To be honest, if I had a partner and learned a bunch of that awesome survival stuff, that may not be too bad. Maybe a pet dog too, unless I could tame a bear. Or both. Both would be best. A PANDA BEAR!

Anyhow, thankfully things have calmed some and I’ve been attempting to focus on other things. Things like working out, writing, and thinking about trying to possibly find a job. That last one is probably the most important. Time is ticking.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

I have taken steps to sell various “hobby” items and it’s tax season, but the time has come to buck up and look for some work. Selling cards is a slow business, at least with what I am trying to sell. I have a habit of waiting too long and not selling while an item is hot and on the move. Oh you cursed Collector in me. Damn you to hell.

There is a slight issue with the job hunt, though. I really don’t want to work. Work a standard issue job, but more so... interviewing. I hate interviewing. If I could just walk into a place, hand them my résumé (one I need to revamp), fill out the appropriate paperwork and just start working, I’d be all for it. Unfortunately, that isn’t how the world works.

I’ve been spoiled some with having the freedom to make my own schedule for the past six years. With the new company that has taken over, I may have had a reduction in income, but at least I still have some freedom in making my own hours. Getting back out into the real world is going to strip that away mighty fast. Back to punching in and clocking out. Battling traffic. Praying my car holds out. Some of this is relieved if I get a job right down the road, which would be optimal.

Either way, I have this strong resistance to getting out there and just doing it. This usually isn’t the norm. In the past, I would stockpile funds and if things went sour somewhere I would have something to fall back on. Once the funds dwindled, back out and nabbing a job I went. Given the times, that may not be so easy to pull off anymore.

The most painful part is disappointing those trying to help. I have some friends, new and old, who are incredibly awesome at trying to amp me up and help me find work. One friend, who is half the continent away, will go off on me and load me up with tons of jobs in the area. I am thankful she isn’t in close proximity only for the reason I fear she would literally kick my ass.

Another friend is already threatening to kick me in the head. This is odd, being another time (under more “peaceful” circumstances) I think she wanted to kick me in the head too. Or, at least, that is what I thought the result would be. Needless to say, she apparently really wants her leg (or foot) around or in some close proximity to my face. It scares me.

I’m doubly thankful that these two individuals aren’t able to team up against me. I am sure I wouldn’t survive.

It’s likely I will take up a friend’s offer to spruce up my résumé, and start the hunt. Like I said, the clock is ticking down fast. As much as I professed nonchalantly, in the past, about not caring about ending up a  bum—being homeless on the street—I would rather not go that route to find out.

So a “thank you” to all those helping me! It is greatly appreciated and I will eventually get in gear, if for no other reason than having no other option.

- A Secondary Time Bomb -

Besides the job front, I have another time bomb counting down; my health.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Fortunately, this area seems to be improving. I recently joined a gym, and am attempting to go at least three times a week. I figured I would start off simple and build it up over time; small goals to begin with. Once I am more adapted to it, I hope to advance my program.

This week I watched an episode of Twin Cities Live and there was an interview with a fitness trainer. He mentioned that it took twenty one days to form a habit. There was no given time frame allowance between each specific action, but I assume it would have to be relatively close. Considering I usually go strong for 3 weeks, but then slack, this sounded like it could be right.

Out of curiosity, I scanned through my notebook I began keeping tabs in after being placed in the hospital. I kept track of what I ate, the quantities/carbs, exercises, and sleep. At the time, I had begun to use myself as my own guinea pig; a test subject. As I looked through the various entries, I noticed that I began with simple exercises like sit ups/push ups and then a gap of time doing nothing. Once getting back into the groove of things, I had shifted to using my treadmill and stationary bike. Then, once again, nothing. Each period was of about 2-3 weeks and then just died off.

So, my goal is to combine those exercises (never sure why I hadn’t before and just shifted from one to the other over time), hit the gym more, and hopefully forming a habit of it all. This is easier said than done with me, but I am optimistic.

On the way home from the gym this week, I had a crazy craving for Dairy Queen. This likely stemmed from a friend and I driving by it, and them mentioning possibly wanting ice cream. That sounded like a splendid idea, but once I was done discussing something I wanted to talk about, they were hot to trot to head home right quick. That hankering desire for a Blizzard stuck with me, though.

So that evening, coming home from the gym, I turned in towards DQ and then had that inner struggle and instead of going through the drive through I just parked in the lot. It was like I was literally fighting against the craving.

“Hey! You’re working out now, you can eat whatever you want!” my Craving said.

“But, wouldn’t that be counter-productive to my progress?” I retorted.

“Whaaaaaaaaaaat?! You know I don’t speak Spanish!” my Craving feigned confusion. It was too late, I was already on to it!

After a while, I won out and avoided grabbing a Blizzard. I rationalized this by instead optioning to grab a shake from McDs or BK. I could save a few bucks, and it couldn’t be as bad as a Blizzard could it? On the way there, I shifted over to the appropriate lane to make the left turn, but then subconsciously moved back over into the other lane and veered off onto a side road; one leading back to my place. So I had avoided yet another attempt by impulsive cravings to thwart me!

I know they say that it's best to indulge a craving, now and again, to avoid splurging and going nuts. I'm sure I will eat a handful of unhealthy things while I travel down the path of better diet/exercise; perhaps often. But, I can’t help but feel a bit proud that I was able to counter the urge. Instead, I went and bought some fruit and enjoyed that.

All I know is, I have to get my head in the game, because time is running out.

Tick-tock, tick-tock and all that jazz.
For a moment there, I was thinking I was about to slip away from this resurgence of writing that I’ve recently acquired. Re-acquired. This would be a shame. I’ve so many things I wish to discuss! So many more random tangents to go on. So much more... rambling.

The last week and a half has been a bit of an inner struggle. A variety of opposing emotions tugging and pulling me in different directions; fighting for dominance over which will ultimately dictate the path I will take.

While things have seem to have steadied out, and calmed–the forces of “good” coming out on top–I can still feel it bubbling inside. The negativity and urges to allow myself to relapse into a state of being from yesteryear. Relapse back into a state I’ve worked so hard to avoid; worked so hard to transcend.



- Walking Contradiction -

One fear I have, in the time I spend attempting to reach a goal of mine–to help simultaneously express myself and allow myself (and possibly others) to learn who I am as it is constantly a work in progress–that I will lose sight of the beliefs I explain/express. That I will do what almost happened this past week and relapse into my old self, old habits, and in turn self-sabotage my own progress.

I understand that relapsing is sometimes part of the process, but I feel with certain aspects of my life, where it is currently at, that a relapse would be too damaging. There is also the underlying worry of feeling like a hypocrite. A contradiction. I go into length about my beliefs dealing with connections and relationships; Love and Fear. I would hate to think any of my previous expressions being compromised by future actions, or the reverse.

What I come away with, though, is the constant desire to just be blunt, honest, and upfront (is that redundant?). What I would like to think as authentic. I am human, I am far from perfect, and I will have struggles like everyone else on their journeys. I will have setbacks, and how I handle those obstacles is what will determine where my path leads.

If others decide that something I say or do, comprises whatever “message(s)” that I attempt to get out into the world, then so be it. I can’t control that aspect. Also, the remembrance that this all is, ultimately, for me. To be honest, that point blurs a lot of the time and I figure it will all follow a natural, organic progression as it should. Because, while I wish to write solely for myself, I can’t deny the fact that I hope, in some way, it will touch another. Even if just one other soul out there swimming in the lifestream. Perhaps it’s already happened.

- Inadequate Me -

Over the past few months, I have made a lot of new friends both online and off. A majority were met from a handful of write-ins during a writing event (program?) called NaNoWriMo. I’ve mentioned it before, and during this period of time in November I not only made myself get out of my comfort zone by attending the NaNoWriMo events, but began writing again. During this course I eventually came to meet a wide variety of people and, like what usually happens, I settled in with a group.

It helped, originally, having a mutual friend associated with some within this group. This friend was the one who kept encouraging (or threatening...) me to participate. It is very possible that without that nudging (or again.. violent assaulting), I would have never joined and given it a shot. I appreciate her commitment and owe her a ton of thanks! Just don’t tell her that (she will get a big head... and then walking down halls will be an issue... going through doorways a huge pain... etc. etc.)

During NaNoWriMo, I had some insecurities abound dealing with my writing (of course) having been so long, and completely out of practice. Those insecurities I could manage decently. What happened, though, was as I began to grow closer to the individuals of this group I began to think of them as potential new friends. With NaNoWriMo, a lot of times people get together through Nov to encourage one another with their writing, but once December comes they kind of drift apart. This was a factor I wasn’t completely willing to accept. In fact, I felt it could be fairly damaging to suddenly lose said support and companionship so soon.

This is where PSEUDO WARS originated from. Those fears, questions and inability to accept the possible inevitable. As luck would have it, the majority of the group decided on continual interaction beyond NaNoWriMo.

Time went on. Bonds and connections increased, and from among them a Wildcard. Something unexpected for me, which complicated things, but in a very good way.

Somewhere deep inside, though, that brewing of doubt. The more time I spent with my new friends, the more I felt completely inadequate. Feeling like I brought absolutely nothing to the table. Many of them are vastly more educated and are incredibly more comfortable in their own skin than I, and have little issue in becoming engaged in conversation.

I am more prone to just sit and observe. I feel like I'm the guy that says something stupid (like a catchphrase or two) randomly and maybe gets a few laughs, but then it's back to observation mode. Beyond that, I don’t feel like I offer much. Don’t get me wrong, I value humor and believe it is important, but the caliber of knowledge I seem to lack is frustrating.

Yet, they seemed to want me around and valued my company; something, I myself, seemed to have an issue with. I couldn’t (can’t) accept it, I didn’t (don’t) feel worthy. This is naturally a self love/confidence issue and I’ve mentioned the process I am undergoing to improve it.

A week and a half ago, though, it all seemed to come to a head. Finally the negativity was let loose and free to take control, albeit momentarily; thankfully momentarily. Those who are familiar with what I am talking about know that a moment is all that is needed. All that is needed for these emotions, left uncheck, to completely turn your world upside down.

I wanted to shut myself out from the world completely. Cancel all social interactions, online social interactions, everything. This would have been reminiscent of what I did six years ago (going on seven) when I moved and told no one, but immediate family, of my whereabouts, or how to contact me. All of my friends were cut off. Some found me thanks to family leaking information–Bastards–so, I was forced to confront them and tell them I would seek them out when ready, if ever.

Years went by, and various steps taken in spiritual endeavors, before I felt ready to reconnect with them. This is where the I believe bonds of time made this scenario even possible. Some could have told me to fuck off, they had every right to, but no one did.

With this new group of people, though, I felt that wouldn’t be the case. The bonds/connections too new, and time too short. If they were to be cut off, that would likely be the end of our roles in one anothers lives.

This is where I felt like a contradictory hypocrite, after talking about making connections and wanting to take the time to build/strengthen them. Now, I didn’t not want that. I wanted that very much. I just felt completely unworthy. Easier to save them the trouble of having to unload me, and I could avoid facing the rejection.

It is an odd feeling when you are going through the motions of disconnecting from everyone and self-sabotaging yourself, yet still being fully aware of what you are doing. Being aware of it and knowing you don’t want to go down that path. It is like you aren’t completely in control. There is that part constantly pushing you to take the steps it feels is necessary to protect itself.

Being aware, and reaching out to someone I felt would understand, is what helped the most. That and a lot of sleep. In the end, I was able to curb that primal desire of seclusion that reared itself, once again, unbeknown to most of the group. Most anyone, really. As the week progressed I felt it bubbling (as I still can even now), wanting to break free again. Waiting for a moment I am weak where it can dominate my course of action. To make itself safe from fear of rejection. Fear of life, fear of love.

Thankfully, that’s not what I truly want. It is that factor, along with awareness and support, that will sooth the negative stirrings within. Until I can completely dispatch them, that is.

- This Bridge Will Only Take You There, -

In 2006 I moved into my current apartment, accepting a job as a Resident Manager. As most apartments are, when you first move into them, it was empty. This was in exception to some odd bagged things I was told was associated with the railroad (which was where the previous tenant had worked) and some magnets I found in the cupboard.

There were seven of them–my favorite (unfortunately, not lucky) number–each displaying their own word. The “There” had a comma, which I thought was interesting. That sentence was what I made, and has remained on my fridge ever since. I was a bit taken aback, because the sentence itself seemed to sum up my belief about fate.

“Fate will only bring you up to a point, and then you have to make your choice.” I would say many times, when explaining my beliefs.

Suddenly, here was this random set of magnets summing that up for me. It was like... wait for it... fate. How could I not go there, seriously?

The belief is simply this:

That in life, you will continually be presented with a multitude of moments; important moments. These moments of fate, are not necessarily predetermined, but are part of our life makeup. A lot of these moments are what we are specifically asking for, or need, to learn and progress.

Fate will only bring you up to a point, and then you have to make your choice. (*Sigh* see?) Now, life is basically all about choices. Broken down, I believe they are fundamentally choices of Love or Fear. My reactions I described above, revolved solely around Fear.

What I have come to find, though, is that once crossing the bridge to the moment of making your choice, is that there are millions of paths you may take. Both equally in Love and Fear. Some of these paths eventually bring you to a new bridge, while some bring you full circle back to the same. Once crossing it again, you make another choice; the hope being that you’ve learned from the last path you’ve taken and eventually have overcome fear and negativity. Otherwise, you will find yourself crossing the same bridge over and over, until doing so.

I don’t think I can fully explain it, but in my head I see it as though having a similar (but more intricate) pattern to the Flower of Life:




The are an infinite number of the these points–these bridges–for us to continually cross to learn and grow.

I thought I had left this current bridge far behind in my spiritual dust, but it seems I had been mistaken. I feel I have learned from the previous path, and felt I made a much stronger, wiser decision, and I can only hope I don’t find myself crossing it again.

As it were, though, only time will tell.

*Flower of Life image is from world-mysteries.com

THE HARMONIC (DIS)CHORD OF YESTERYEAR

Once upon a time, I had an incredible bout of writer’s block. I will try to pretend that it wasn’t more than a ten year struggle that just recently ended last November. During this time, I was unable to extract the bountiful creations swimming around in my mind. I would think about writing, my writing, all the time. Characters, plots, dialog, etc etc. It was quite maddening; not being able to bring to life my imagination in some tangible fashion.

To those who say writer’s block is a myth, I say: Piss off.

Sure, I can sign on to the various psychological barriers that are self-induced and causes one to be unable to be creatively productive. I get that. Those claiming it is an excuse to be lazy, or that it’s a sign your creative product is shit: Piss-right the fuck-off.

I'm sure I should read the books claiming the latter (and I will eventually) before letting it get me all worked up, but it just comes off to me like a - newly prescribed - jumping on the bandwagon scenario. Perhaps I will sing a different tune once researching more.

I am getting sidetracked, though.

I wanted to point out that, while enduring this block, I was somehow still able to create on a very minor level. Essentially I would write song lyrics (this may seem to contradict my claim of being blocked but... it doesn't to me). I'm not exactly sure why that was. Perhaps because music is such a central force in my life? Because I constantly am making up songs throughout the day? I make up songs about the most random, mundane events. Think Marshall, from How I Met Your Mother. It used to irritate my ex, and does others in general. Someday someone will appreciate it!

So, I thought I would share some of the various songs (lyrics) I wrote over the years. Does the fact I got them out past the writer’s block mean they're not crap? Not at all. They do, however, hold different levels of importance and nostalgia with me. This will be just a sampling, but I will likely offer more as time goes on. I’ve never been good at writing poetry, but I’ve always considered these creations to be on that level.

The poetry of my soul.

Some are fun, some are vulgar, some are emotional, but all coming from somewhere within.

Perhaps someone will enjoy one themselves.

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

We'll start with the first song lyrics I believe I ever wrote (or at least documented). This would be in the mid-1990s. I remember trying to get a friend to write up some music for it, but it never came to fruition. Creative differences? Ha! Gotta love high school.

-QUICKSAND-

I need your help
But you give me none
Life overwhelms me
And it’s not very fun

I call out your name
But you don’t hear me
Or don’t you listen
Anymore

I am stuck here
Or can’t you see?
I’m stuck in this rut
With nowhere to go

Help me
I’m sinking deeper down
To my death
Within this land
Within this quicksand

You were my everything
My dove
You were the only part of life
That I loved

Help me
I’m sinking deeper down
To my death
Give me your hand
Within this quicksand

You left me
But I still love you now
Even though you can’t seem
To return the vow

Help me
Take my hand
I’ll pull you deeper down
Within this land
Within this quicksand
Quicksand

*     *     *

-THE WEIGHT OF US-

She sits alone
In her room, in the dark
Praying for a change
She wants to
Get away from this life
But she’s too scared to move

She has a dream
That she thinks she can’t reach
That can’t come true
So she dances
Because it sets her free
It sets her free

Keep on dancin’ girl
Cause I know the truth, the truth about you
You hate the world and want to escape
Keep on dancin’ girl
Cause I know the truth, the truth about you
You pray for the pain to fade

He wishes
That he was somebody else
Someone with fame
He wants to
Make so much more of this life
But he can’t seem to move

He needs to
Find out the reasons why
He’s misunderstood
He smiles
Pretending it’s all okay
Everything’s okay

Keep on smilin’ boy
Cause I know the truth, the truth about you
You hate the world and want to escape
Keep on smilin’ boy
Cause I know the truth, the truth about you
You pray for the pain to fade

Keep on dacin’ girl
Keep on smilin’ boy
Someday your pain will fade
Keep on smilin’ boy
Keep on dancin’ girl
Someday your pain will fade

Sometimes the weight of us is enough to hold us down
Sometimes the weight of us is enough to make us drown

*     *     *

-WORRY-

Where has the time gone?
I swear I was a boy just the other day
And where do I go from here?
The future, it scares the shit out of me

And is there love?
Is there someone out there waiting for me?
I thought that I had found this once
But I was wrong and that ended up just a dream

Pre-Chorus
And are the Angel’s above looking down?
Are they laughing, or are they crying for my tragedies?
Should I even worry about what all the others think?
Should I worry?
I can’t worry
I can’t help but worry

Chorus
Will I always be the last one to understand the joke?
Will I always be the only one left standing out in the cold?
When will it be my time, my time to be happy?
You just sit there and stare and all you can say to me is: don’t worry

And where have my walls gone?
I swear I was safe just the other day
And how do I get out of here?
Vulnerabilities scare the shit out of me
And can I believe
In such things as my happy ending?
I hope that I can find this once
Cause if not all of this may have no meaning

Pre-Chorus/Chorus

Break One
Try two days in my shoes
And see if you feel the same
Try two days in my shoes
And see if you can still say
Don't worry

Break Two
Are the angels above looking down?
Are they laughing?
Are the angels above looking down?
Are they crying for my tragedies?

Chorus

*     *     *

The End is the Beginning is the End

Three should suffice. And it seems I left out the more “fun” songs this time around. I think these were some of my more emotional creations; especially the final song Worry, which remains one of my favorites.

As I said, I may share more as time goes on. If not, I am glad to at least have these three up.

Technically I create new songs almost daily, but rarely do I ever write them down, which is a shame. Even if they aren’t the best out there, they are still creations I am missing the opportunity to work with. The ones that keep coming back over time are the ones I eventually document. I figure, they must be coming back for a reason. Makes sense right?

Until next time, try to be more mindful to the poetry of your own soul. What you find may surprise you.


II | INTERLUDE | II

-Like the Changing of Seasons-

Sometimes in life you meet people that you just connect with. These connections can be on various levels. Family, friends, romantic interests, etc etc. There is that pull that opens the pathway to something new. It is almost like you just fall into place. You get a sense of belonging somewhere; it is new and exciting.

It is like that new car smell. Okay, maybe more like the first snowfall of Winter; beautiful.

For romance, you think about the person a lot, if not all the time. You wonder how they are doing, when you will see them next. You want to hold them, kiss them, make love to them. You can’t wait for the next time you will hear their voice or receive contact from them.

Feelings of acceptance, understanding, and possibly lust or love overcomes you, and it can be euphoric. Perhaps you want to dance naked in the rain. I have yet to do that.

It is different for everyone. Some try rather hard to ignore and block it out; I do my best to embrace it, I’ve lived the life of intentionally pushing it away. That can lead to abrupt, disoriented endings.

It’s like going out, slipping on the sidewalk, and cursing to the heavens about how you hate Winter and the snow. Already forgotten, the peaceful yet exciting stirrings the snowfall just brought out in you moments ago. Now you are just sick of it. It wasn’t what you thought it was. It was a trap! Those emotions you felt were drawn out through trickery!

When connections abruptly end in that fashion, it can be devastating. It can feel like a vibrant, taut cord, connecting you and another, being cut; the end snapping you. Confusion. What just happened? Were you not just engaged in a beautiful exchange of life, love, and understanding?

Most times, this violent dismantling of a connection is the result from a lack of communication.

I understand people become busy in life. It is true. I also understand that even while busy, in this day of age of instant connection to one another, that a prolonged lack of communication is usually a sign or hint that the other party has “checked out” of the building (If once a romantic interest, they likely found... well... a new "interest"). There are occasions this isn’t the case and it is a misunderstanding. If so, then they should easily be repairable by none other than: Communication.

This generally applies to newer connections. Long-term connections are a different beast altogether. These are also friends, lovers, family (the same mixing); they, however, have the backing of time.

Deeper, long-term connections tend to naturally flux over time, if at all, but never die. They pulse. The soft, slow rhythmic beating of life’s heart. Like the changing of seasons. They are always there, and you know it. Their love is constant as time slinks by and life takes over. You know that if you lose touch you will eventually find your way back again. They, you, and the connection in between simply are.

These connections can be hard to build up to, especially with new people, but I would rather put in that effort over receiving (or dealing) an abrupt snap of disconnect any day.